The Seemingly Perfect

 

                                             (image:godenchantment.com)

Amoy hanapon an sajop. It has been a mystery why people often look for the mistakes of others, they seem to enjoy looking for the minutest mistake and dwell on it. A lot of persons dwell on that smear forgetting about the white space around the dot. Sometimes, they forget that nobody is perfect and that other persons are also waiting for them to commit something that they could feast on.

There are those who exaggerate and blow other people’s mistake out of proportion without any tangible praise for their efforts. The most malignant ones can even make others believe some people are unworthy, incompetent, and even unlovable.

Magnification, also known as catastrophizing (Ellis and Harper, 1997) occurs when a negative event, mistake, imperfection is blown totally out of proportion. As a personal development and empowerment coaches put it, they are celebrating people’s uniqueness than fixing them. Some people don’t really need fixing because they are not broken. They are actually uniquely wired and really need to be celebrated rather than criticized for a minute imperfection.

The negativity instinct, according to Dsouza (2018) is your tendency to spot cons before the pros. For example, if someone comes to you for feedback, you think of suggesting improvements before identifying the positive aspects. Even if you have good things to mention, the negatives come to your mind in an instant. You may find some positives to talk about or none at all.

When someone presents an idea or someone is being celebrated by others, finding a flaw or an improvement makes you feel superior. It gives you an illusion of knowledge and expertise irrespective of whether you possess it or not Dsouza continues.

Fault finding is a universal habit, no matter who we are, where we live, or what our circumstances may be. We are taught not to point fingers at others, but this habit persists. Fault finding is a clever device of the ego. It serves a purpose as far as the ego is concerned. The ego does not like to bring attention to itself, and fault finding helps draw attention away.

Besides taking attention away from the ego, fault finding provides a subtle lift to our self-esteem by diminishing the value of someone else. To gain self-confidence, there is an easy way and a hard way. The hard way is to work for it, but finding fault with others is an easier way out. When we find fault with others, there is a silent inference that we are better. But that feeling of being better ultimately makes us feel insecure as it depends on the existence of a fault within another, whether real or not. Fault finding propagates this subtle psychological lift (Seshadri, 2019).

This, if sensed by those who are trying to deepen their existence though understanding the inner person can be a turn-off. The aforementioned causes are manifestations of lesser self-awareness and poor self-control. Yes, how can one control the self from fault-finding when the person even do not understand that s/he is feeding on it, making the deed as a crutch?

We all have sensitivities that are specific to our upbringing. It all comes down to whether you have a system of monitoring how and when you share what bothers you about people. Your pet peeves color the way you see the world. They are part of the central framework you use to interpret other people’s actions.

Dr. Greg Kushnick (2015) mentions that the habit of constantly pointing out people’s faults is most likely a reflection of what the fault-finders’ struggle with in childhood. It is a manifestation of an insecurity about the very things that they judge other people for most often. Some people who have difficulty taking responsibility for their own actions have a tendency to project onto others that with which they struggle. In fact, the avoidance of responsibility and a difficulty apologizing to people they’ve hurt are the trademarks of the constant fault finder.

The world would be better if we celebrate the goodness of others and NOT willingly look for their mistakes. It is good to give feedback to friends and family members about the glaring mistakes they commit but to make a habit of looking for the mistakes of others is another story.

Again, mental health (which others limit ONLY to depression) is an important thing to nurture in these trying and difficult times. Let us nurture rather than destroy.