Famished

Waya makuntento? This was asked by someone who tried to understand an acquaintance who is having multiple affairs even if the person is already married. The discussion segued to human nature. There is some sort of hunger one will have when something is deprived of him/her. There was even a warning given by experts not to be in a grocery store when one is hungry. Chances are, you will buy unnecessary things without thinking properly. The compulsion is driven by the hunger…reason and even moral sieving will be NOT present.

Hunger is a powerful emotion, which is both exploitative and destructive to others when it is acted out. People identify this feeling with love and mistakenly associate these longings with genuine affection. Nothing could be further from the truth.

According to Firestone (2009), feelings of emotional hunger are deep and are like a dull but powerful aching in your insides. You may often find yourself reaching out and touching others or expressing affection and loving movements in order to attempt to kill off this aching sensation. People often give physical affection and attention when they feel the most need for it themselves.

Psychologists say that such hunger is a strong emotional need caused by deprivation in childhood. It is a primitive condition of pain and longing which people often act out in a desperate attempt to fill a void or emptiness. This emptiness is related to the pain of aloneness and separateness and can never realistically be fully satisfied in an adult relationship.

What about those who continuously crave for accomplishment and recognition? Why is it so difficult for them to be contented? What kind of hunger is this?

While all humans need affirmation from others, different people have different sorts of recognition hunger. Some are so internally weak, they need constant validation and applause. They seek publicity for themselves. They want to be noticed, and they ache when they are not noticed. The hungrier they are for recognition, the weaker they are within themselves. They don’t think their life matters unless they receive constant attention, however superficial or ephemeral. It may seem odd, but it is often very true, that the most “popular” and “powerful” people are also the most lonely and insecure people (Rabbi Marc Angel, 2018).

People with excessive recognition hunger are so worried about their own egos, that they are callous when it comes to caring about others. They want praise aimed at themselves; they are self-centered and self-serving. They will step on anyone and do almost anything in order to advance themselves and gain more recognition (Transactional Analysis, Berne).

It is a human need to be recognized. It has been a subject of multiple discussions anchored on Maslow’s theory of motivation. But there is always a time to reach the point of being self-actualized. During adulthood it could be queer when one is constantly craving for attention and recognition if he/she already has a handful of them. The hunger must be checked by the individual so that he or she must level up to being actualized and could now SERVE. The person will then become a worker FOR others (i.e. the family, community and others).

Theo Tsaousides, Ph.D (2018) mentions that a periodic assessment of your life satisfaction provides you with a mirror on which you can reflect your accomplishments, your desires, and your unfulfilled needs all at once. It provides a global picture of your progress in life in relation to your own expectations, and it becomes a good starting point to begin exploring in more depth what contributes to the quality of your life and what is taking away from it.

Confronting the “hungers” (which Eric Berne identified as Stimulus, Recognition, Contact, Sexual, Time Structure and Incident) is a personal journey. It has been mentioned many times that a person must journey from the Self to the Self so to be able to understand himself/herself better. Once the person conquers such hungers, the main function (that is to serve the self and others) could now be attained.

Martin Luther King aptly said it: “This life, therefore, is not godliness but the process of becoming godly, not health but getting well, not being but becoming, not rest but exercise. We are not now what we shall be, but we are on the way. The process is not yet finished, but it is actively going on. This is not the goal but it is the right road. At present, everything does not gleam and sparkle, but everything is being cleansed.”

Climbing

Kinahanglan mosikat!  There are those around us who claim the glory or credit of what we work or do. These persons are usually hungry for recognition to the point that they will claim which is basically NOT theirs. This often create tension and conflict in the group or organization since credit must be given where it is due.

You often come across people who credit themselves for other people’s achievements instead of making their own. They claim other people’s triumphs as their own and take advantage of the applause they receive from unknowing spectators. They think that nobody will find out their secret and feed off of the blind recognition they receive.

There are also people who lie about their identities as a way to extol how important and valuable they are. They tell constant, continuous lies and invent a life for themselves that they wish they had, or they exaggerate their achievements to make them seem more important than they are. For some, anything goes in this game, where they seek to quench their thirst for recognition (exploringyourmind.com).

This is the time when the person must be aware of his/her motivations since the NEED to be recognized overpowers what is GOOD. The hunger is now intense to the point that he/she does not mind societal norms as long as the need must be met. But as the constant discourse expands, this goes back to deficits during childhood.

As children, hopefully we get lots of recognition, praise, and support, assuming we have decent attentive parents. Not everyone does, but most do. Either way, as we grow into adult years, we get less and less, and maybe no valuing recognition depending on how supportive our relationships are. Once we are working, maybe we get a performance review once per year. Very often it is focused on areas we can improve, and not to celebrate our accomplishments and achievements (Warmerdam, 2018).

There are times when a mere observer wonders what drives a person to be highly-competitive to the point that he/she steps on the necks of others. This person (if he/she leads a group) does not mind if others are already suffering or being drained out as long as the goal to WIN or be recognized must be met. This is quiet dangerous since the leader might be unreflective. Introspection is needed so that the common good will be ventured.

A powerful, authentic leader does not need recognition to feel good. They know that their skills, approaches and leadership are making a difference. They get on with the job, leaving self-consciousness behind, negating the need for others to confirm how great they are. Sadly most of our leaders are not driven by their own expressions of humility but rather by their egos. The pursuit of financial reward and career status to demonstrate individual success is a self-assurance strategy. Just as control freaks write lists upon lists and have the complete inability to delegate, egotistical leaders begin to arrogantly believe that they deserve recognition and a clear and successful career path (Villani, 2013).

Individuals who are also competitive resort to pulling others down and highly critical on the achievements of others. These people will spread vile rumors and often destroy the reputation of those who are achieving. They could not reach the point of appreciation since their need overpowers the normal reaction of recognizing the achievements of others. They even see these people as threats to their own stability.

But they could never be stabilized since there is an unstable urge to be on top. There is an unquenched thirst to be addressed. That is the reason why signs and symptoms of being irritable and moody arise. Such mood often radiates and could affect relationships…

According to Hamm (2009), the painful truth, though, is that such recognition is fleeting. After the impressed people have gone away and your big purchase is forgotten about, you’re left with some big bills and a budget that’s being stretched to its limit to cover it. The recognition is over but you’re still hungry for it.

It is limiting to be enslaved in that need. There are better things to do in life with the people you love and there are still experiences to venture. It is good to be recognized by your efforts but to constantly hunger for it is another story.

 Let others shine as well.

For the Many

No choice na! Words most of us utter when we are faced with a situation when we reached a certain dead-end of options. Yet there are those who use this as an expression which a progressive mind often repels. You have a choice. The world is full of choices. You could innovate or redefine your standards. We also do compromise.

The word compromise according to Peterson (2012) is used in two different senses, one typically positive and the other typically negative. The good sense of compromise is finding a common ground with another person, as in reaching a mutual agreement about a difficult course of action affecting both of you. The bad sense is being untrue to your core values and beliefs, as in selling out to achieve some short-term goal.

The second one, most of time, would be counterproductive since it will eventually erode the foundation of a person or an organization. This would also define the person in terms of deciding the best for him/herself or for others.

In today’s scene, it is a bit hard to keep up with who believes what, and who is living their beliefs. “Walking the talk” and “Doing what I do, not what I say” seem to have become trite phrases that are discounted. You don’t have to look far to see that much hypocrisy abounds. What is hypocrisy? According to Dictionary.com, it is “the practice of claiming to have moral standards or beliefs to which one’s own behavior does not conform; pretense. (Flaxington, 2018)”.

It is the pressing issue we have among our leaders. There must be a strong one whose heart is rooted to make the common good be materialized. But with the deficits of the families and the educational system, the in-breeding of children seem to be on the skewed area. Adults thrive on selfish intentions and the web it created in the society is so intricate to align to the welfare of the majority.

The common good is a notion that originated over two thousand years ago in the writings of Plato, Aristotle, and Cicero. More recently, the ethicist John Rawls defined the common good as "certain general conditions that are...equally to everyone's advantage".

The common good, then, consists primarily of having the social systems, institutions, and environments on which we all depend work in a manner that benefits all people. Examples of particular common goods or parts of the common good include an accessible and affordable public health care system, functional education, an effective system of public safety and security… Because such systems, institutions, and environments have such a powerful impact on the well-being of members of a society, it is no surprise that virtually every social problem in one way or another is linked to how well these systems and institutions are functioning (Velasquez, Andre, et.al., 2017).

There is indeed a great need to function well and align our roles to the greater whole. People who have this mindset have reached the level of actualization that they are now making their needs as the stepping stones in attaining the welfare of the many. Those who got sick or being bound by their deficits continue to hoard things and accolades for themselves.

Choice theory is the study of how decisions get made. The term was coined in a book of the same name by William Glasser, who argued that all choices are made to satisfy five basic needs: survival, love and belonging, power, freedom, and fun.

Underlying these basic ways of thinking about, according to Ye (2017) is the assumption we truly understand our preferences and how to weigh them against each other. But what happens when freedom conflicts with power? How do you choose when two options will provide you with equal amounts of fun?

One thing to keep in mind is the importance of others as well as the self. This could lead the person to decide well not just to arrive to an escapist way of saying: No choice na!

In a knowledge-based economy . . . a knowledge worker’s primary deliverable is a good decision. In addition, more and more people are being tasked with making decisions that are likely to be biased because of the presence of too much information, time pressure, simultaneous choice, or some other constraint – Eric Wargo.

Filling the Void

Bahala sila! These words are uttered mostly by those who do not have a care in the world to what may happen to others. The lack of empathy is one of the scariest things to happen to a person since s/he will be incapable of loving when the heart is devoid of the ability to care.

Empathy is a broad concept that refers to the cognitive and emotional reactions of an individual to the observed experiences of another. Having empathy increases the likelihood of helping others and showing compassion. According to the Greater Good Science Center: “It is also a key ingredient of successful relationships because it helps us understand the perspectives, needs, and intentions of others.”

When selfish intentions overpower, the ability to feel and understand others diminishes since the main focus of the person is now the self. Despite the abundance of resources, others are incapable of helping people since generosity is inconsistent to being self-centered.

All of us have dreams and goals but some of us believe that they might not be able to reach them and that’s why they save all of their resources to themselves just to ease some of the insecurity they are feeling. Lots of selfish people have big unmet needs which make them feel insecure and the result is being afraid to give anything away not to remind themselves of their lack of control over their lives (Radwan, 2018).

According to Streep (2017), empathy is the bedrock of intimacy and close connection; in its absence, relationships remain emotionally shallow, defined largely by mutual interests or shared activities.

This is the reason why friendships and romantic relationships shatter because of the lack of connection. When one party is going to be the vampire, the one who sucks all the energy of the partner or friends, the other end would let go and disconnect themselves for self-preservation.

In families, how many parents “feel” for their children? There are those who even see them as accidents. That is one of the reasons why the kids become bullies since they try to make bullying as a crutch for their inadequacies. In child-friendly schools, school leaders and teachers often see these young people as victims as well. Who or what made them? These acts of selfishness are counterproductive indeed. It creates a vicious cycle of indifference and even violence.

There are teachers as well whose extrinsic motivations prevail. They only work for the financial rewards and see their learners as their JOBS. They just let their day pass without thinking if the learner is humanized by the lessons s/he haphazardly presented.

And what about those government workers who shout at their clients; the legislators and elected officials who do not even understand that the voice of the constituents must be heard? They must transcend their personal wants and consider others since they vow to be public servants.

Not surprisingly, according to Psychology Today, the extent of your own emotional intelligence—your ability to know what you’re feeling, to accurately label and name different emotions with precision, and to use your emotions to inform your thinking—will make it easier or harder for you to be empathic. The more connected you are to your own emotions, the greater your ability to feel for others.

Discourses like these often lead back to self-knowledge through introspection. By having a keen understanding of the self, the person could now journey to others since s/he already journeyed to the SELF.

We must care. The sole purpose of living is not just to satisfy the SELF but to serve others. The family could be the so-called OTHERS but there is a larger family outside the home. We now understand that selfishness is now seen if you are only capable of caring for your family and “clan”. Empathy is pervasive.

Every day, people serve their neighbors and our nation in many different ways, from helping a child learn and easing the loneliness of those without a family to defending our freedom overseas. It is in this spirit of dedication to others and to our country that I believe service should be broadly and deeply encouraged -John McCain.

We Vote For...

What motivates you? If we get a closer look at the motivators of people, we could sum up to three: money, power and fame. So often, society conditions us to believe that success is about accumulating as much wealth, power, and fame as possible.

So, when one gets interested on a certain thing (like politics), this might be the potent question: What drives him or her? Social scientists often anchor such discourse on Maslow’s theory: the hierarchy of needs. When a certain need is unsatisfied, the person dwells on it.

MONEY. Whatever people lust for, that’s what they seek. A lust for money is greed (foxbusiness.com, 2013). Deprivation of the basic needs like food, clothing and even shelter causes people to lust for money. This is the reason why others resort to illegal trade since they do not want to be hungry or “unsecured” any time. Some people invest on political positions because of wealth. They see government seats as opportunities to become wealthier. And the voters could be bought as well since there are those who lust for money. Any amount could make them fill-in a certain need…to eat or drink, probably.

POWER. It is a neutral tool-one that can be used for good or ill. Power represents your ability to get things done though other people-the more power you have, the more things you can do. Accordingly, there’s nothing morally wrong with consciously seeking to increase your Power, provided you do so while respecting the rights of other people (Kaufman, 2017). 

But what if the one who sought for leadership was deprived of functioning according to his will due to overly strict parents or a domineering wife and circle of friends? Is s/he making this as an opportunity to satisfy an unmet need?

The majority will also feel that the election is the time to allow them to experience power. During the campaign period, politicians will kiss their asses for the votes! People demand. They play their roles in making the politicians become ordinary ones just like them. They make them dance and sing. They take pride when the politicians eat with them or be with their “poor”. They are in power even fleetingly.

FAME. There is a difference between becoming famous because you happen to do something noteworthy that deserves recognition and becoming famous because you actively and desperately seek out fame. If you grew up feeling ignored, neglected, or otherwise unacknowledged, the appeal of fame can be intoxicating. We all need a healthy dose of attention to help mold us into healthy adults, but some don't get that. As a result, they could seek attention from the public that they never received growing up as a form of self-validation.

The definition of success varies depending on who you talk to. Some people equate success with fame, when that isn't necessarily correct. A healthier way to define success is to feel happy and accomplished in what you do and who you are. As people equate success with fame, they also tend to attach their assessment of their own self-worth to public image (Markarian, 2016).

What if the leaders only feed on the thought of being “recognized” than to serve?

As adults, we need to understand how to evaluate our actions based on our needs. This is important since it is also a need for us to become actualized: to reach that level when we now understand and “in control” with our actions based on our motives. We must see the extrinsic and intrinsic motivators so to become better versions of ourselves.

Extrinsic motivation occurs when we are motivated to perform a behavior or engage in an activity to earn a reward or avoid punishment. In this case, you engage in a behavior not because you enjoy it or because you find it satisfying, but in order to get something in return or avoid something unpleasant. While intrinsic motivation involves engaging in a behavior because it is personally rewarding; essentially, performing an activity for its own sake rather than the desire for some external reward. Essentially, the behavior itself is its own reward (Cherry, 2018).

With the election of local and national leaders, we could use this as a gauge in dealing with those who are asking for our votes. We need to see whether they are motivated extrinsically or in an intrinsic manner. By doing so, we could be assured that we are not electing people who are still nursing on their unmet desires and needs.

Corruption, oppression and “epal” are by-products of unmet needs.

(Side note: This is the main reason why education, guiding the children and religious anchorage are good advocacies since we nurture the spirit of the young. Adults sometimes are “made”. They only choose what to learn. Mental health could be addressed as well when we start with nurturing the young. Gaps and deficits are confronted when the people are still able to cope. We have lots of adults who have cringing children inside of them. )

Objects

Lami amo da keyk! This could be overheard among male bystanders as they ogle on a beautiful woman who passes by. There are members of the gay community as well who would exchange antics on the “size” of their catch. Most of the time, they linger on the skin, face value and size… They are objectifying people.

At any given moment, according to a recent United Nations report, there are approximately 20 million human beings, women, girls, men, and boys, being retained in sexual oppression—sexual exploitation, sexual slavery, and pornography— against their will (Carter, 2017).

The objectification theory (Fredrickson and Roberts, 1997) posits that women often are looked at as objects by society, with a sexual focus being placed on their bodies rather than on their abilities. The ubiquity of these objectification experiences socializes women to internalize an observer perspective upon their body. This process is called self-objectification and occurs when women think about and treat themselves as objects to be regarded and evaluated based upon appearance (Fredrickson and Roberts, 1997; McKinley, 2011).

Although objectification is more directed to women, the concept is now being considered to men and boys as well. We see foreign and local actors investing on their body-sculpting and skin treatments for them to be more “presentable”.

It was mentioned in theconversation.com that if we only think in terms of the first form of objectification, and the consumption of “eye candy”, we are likely to conclude that the sexual objectification of men is a relatively trivial matter. Prevailing physical, political and economic power inequalities are such that in practice a man’s agency is much less likely than a woman’s to be overridden. Consequently, the objectification of men is much less likely to result in sexual violence. To this extent, a double standard might be thought tolerable.

However, in relation to the second form of objectification – where damaging norms and stereotypes are promoted and internalized – it’s difficult to defend the double standard. There seems to be no good reason to think that men are any less suggestible and compliant than women are when it comes to “normalizing” media representations. Young and impressionable men in particular may be as biddable and eager to play along as their female counterparts (Lucas, 2018).

There are those people who collect pornographic materials and their main focus are the parts of the bodies of people. They do not consider that these persons have feelings; that they have spirits and their importance is JUST on that certain part of their bodies!

Objectification and dehumanization represent motivational conundrums because they are phenomena in which people are seen in ways that are fundamentally inaccurate; seeing people as objects, as animals, or not as people. People may be perceived as lacking uniquely human characteristics, and thus likened to animals, or as lacking human nature, and thus likened to inanimate objects.

Both of these forms of dehumanization occur with varying degrees of subtlety, from the explicit uses of derogatory animal metaphors, to stereotypes that ascribe lesser humanness or simpler minds to particular groups, to non-conscious associations between certain humans and nonhumans (Haslam, 2013).

In the behavioral analysis unit of a criminal investigation team, the pornographic materials possession is one of the things that they look for to pin down a serial killer or a murderer. These are evidences that the criminal mind functions on objectifying persons not seeing them as human beings.

The research confluence theory states men with hyper masculinity that also involves psychopathic tendencies have low agreeableness, abuse, hostility towards women, impersonal sexuality combined with sexual permissiveness. When you have a confluence of those two things and violent pornography it may be a contributing factor to violent, abhorrent behavior (Puder, 2019).

It has been hypothesized that ‘high risk’ people who are high on rape tendencies are affected more by pornography and are at higher risk of becoming more sexually aggressive (Malamuth & Huppin, 2005). Among low empathy males attraction to pornography and violence is even greater (Cumberbatch, 2011). In a pornography meta-analysis, Oddone-Paolucci et al. (2000) argued that compared with control groups, in rape prone individuals, pornography may produce a 20-30% increase in the acceptance of rape as normal, in treating people as sex objects, in early age of first intercourse, and in coercive behavior.

With the exposure of the young to multiple sites, there must be filtering actions that the parents and teachers and other advocates on mental health on these facts. The only problem is when we see this as something NOT within our comprehension.

It takes a critical mind to wade and dive into such waters.

This, too, is another avenue when an individual reflects on his/her behavior towards people. Is s/he seeing them as human beings or seeing them as objects which could be dumped, rejected, hurt, pushed-aside, murdered, killed, or dehumanized? It is always an individual’s responsibility to look over his (mental) health.

Shrinking

Yay boot! This will be heard when someone gets irritated with another person of the right age and performs immature acts. There are instances when physical growth is already obvious but the emotional capability of the person is still that of an adolescent. People might see you as old enough yet the actions and reactions to stimuli are that of a simpleton.

Maturation (according to alleydog.com) is the process of learning to cope and react in an emotionally appropriate way. It does not necessarily happen along with aging or physical growth, but is a part of growth and development. A situation a person must deal with at a young age prepares them for the next and so on into adulthood. Maturation does not stop when physical growth ends - it continues through adulthood.

But there are also instances when maturation is hampered or even curtailed. Pikunas (2010) mentioned that the sequential changes that occur in human personality and behavior include not only the unfolding and perfection of different dimensions but also the gradual deterioration of those dimensions. Thus, intellectual development encompasses both its emergence and perfection in the years of childhood and adolescence, and its gradual impairment in the late years of life. In order to understand personality and behavior, therefore, it is essential to trace the sequence of changes that occur in childhood and adolescence and also in the adult and later years of life. The significance of these later periods is great because the percentage of persons in this population group, as well as their influence on society, is growing at a considerable rate.

Again, we trace the importance of childhood as a formative phase since most of the things we do as an adult are either the good products of our being a child or the deficits we have during those days.

People who have fond memories of childhood, specifically their relationships with their parents, tend to have better health, less depression and fewer chronic illnesses as older adults, according to research published by the American Psychological Association.

Recent research suggests that the role of other people and how children feel can be more important than the events. Getting things a child wants, academic issues, or failing to make a sports team are not strongly related to the adult perspective of childhood happiness. It is feeling loved by parents that makes the most influential contribution to childhood happiness. As adults, we no longer feel that the number of toys, sports trophies, or top grades we received as children were as important as we thought. What is important to us as adults is knowing that we shared joys and sorrows, successes and disappointments with people who loved us. Long after our memories of toys, gifts, test scores have faded, the feelings of trust, comfort, reassurance, and love remain (Batcho, 2012).

With our encounters with people in the workplace who manifest immaturity, we could directly infer that they do not have good experiences and relationships with their parents. Their anger, irritation, envy, jealousy and other negative acts stem from the lack of affection and attention they receive from their parents. Yet, it seems that such mistakes are ours since they will then attack our weaknesses by their so-called “power” and try to gain what they did not have during the times when they were young! What a pathetic way of doing things!

If the person refuses to act properly and continually causes problems for you, ignore them. They can’t act childishly in your presence if they aren’t allowed in it. People that you may need to see more frequently, however, are difficult to ignore. If a co-worker or a family member is the one who is immature, try to stay away from them as much as possible and keep the encounters that you do have brief. If you need to be around them for extended periods of time, find another person to keep you occupied so that you can prevent them from talking to you. They will eventually get the message that their behavior is no longer welcome in your life (Buckley, 2017).

The world is full of happiness and wondrous experiences. These immature persons could ruin such wonderful things to happen. Do not allow them to take away your peace and let them wallow with their pathetic lives. It is not your fault that they were deprived of joy and exciting childhood. Let them repair themselves. Their health and well-being are their responsibilities.

The truth is, this isn't your battle to fight — if the person is not willing to recognize his behavior and take steps to change it, there is little you can do. It may be particularly difficult for an emotionally immature person to realize he needs to change, as a hallmark of emotional immaturity is blaming other people or circumstances for one's bad behavior (Griffin, 2018).

The author continued that if the person won’t see reason or won't go away, you may need to be slightly confrontational and tell him that you cannot engage with him any further. Gather up all your courage and politely ask him to leave you alone, while simultaneously removing yourself from the caustic environment.

We deserve to be happy. If we are doing our work well, we will not allow others to destroy our spirits to continue doing what we maturely think as right and proper. We will not let someone destroy our credibility because he/she is nursing on his/her sanity.

We continue to check on our mental health through reflection and introspection. These may help us deal with our inner demons and become a better colleague.