Unliked

 

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Uman jaon may tawo na di ta ganahan? In reality, persons who are acting against our values are most of the time repelled by us. When our own definitions of moral issues would be disturbed, we raise our eyebrows and have this repulsion towards the culprit.

Our negative feelings toward someone get stronger as bad experiences with them pile up, and these negative thoughts trigger the fight-or-flight response in our bodies. As AJ Marsden, assistant professor of Psychology at Beacon College in Leesburg, Florida, puts it, “our fight-or-flight response is our body’s way of dealing with a stressor.”

People do not pursue close relationships indiscriminately — they probably look for people who are likely to reciprocate their investments. So when perceivers detect that someone is hiding their emotions, they may interpret that as a disinterest in the things that emotional expression facilitates — closeness, social support, and interpersonal coordination (Lebowitz, 2019).

That is why honesty and being natural is one of the reasons why we like others. But those who create stories behind our backs, those who are envious and perform character-assassinations to accommodate their selfish intentions are being disliked.

Most disliked people usually tend to have no social IQ. They say things like “well at least I’m being honest” or “this is how I am, deal with it”. They don’t know how to treat other people and tend to be arrogant, for no apparent reasons most of the time. Nobody likes a big mouth, a show off, a humble boaster, or people who don’t know how to just say thank you when given a compliment.

According to Kayiba Mpoyi, these traits are unbecoming and are not what true class acts are made of. Being nice and polite to people you like is easy, being nice and polite to someone you cannot tolerate or who you are in constant disagreement with – that is character. Learning how to speak to people is a skill only few have mastered.

No one likes dealing with a difficult person. Life would be so much easier if we could just avoid all the people we dislike. But, as they say, life happens. You might have to work on a project with a vexing colleague. Or the disliked person keeps showing up to professional mixers and social functions. Worst of all, you might find out your most irksome acquaintance is being tagged-along by a friend of yours.

But then all tables will be turned when others are the ones NOT to like you. Since you have the capacity of not liking others, same thing will also happen to you. It is one thing to say that you don’t care what people think about you but it’s another thing to say you don’t care if anyone likes you because everybody wants to be liked by someone.

People who are likable are genuine and they genuinely like other people.

Ron Sherbert (2020) posited these things as the core things that make people likable: They are good listeners; they engage others in conversation by asking open-ended questions; they are positive and enthusiastic; they are natural and; they do not judge others.

A study released by the US Department of Labor concluded that 46 percent of those who quit their jobs did so because they felt not listened to and were therefore unappreciated. Consider this: almost half the people will leave their friends because they didn’t feel like their pals were listening.

The measure of self-assurance is how deeply and sincerely interested you are in others; the measure of insecurity is how much you try to impress them with you.

Research shows that likable people always live a happier and more fulfilled life than those who are unlikable.

It is in this mindset that we struggle to be contributors of happy moments with others than being disliked by them for bringing negative encounters which they do not want to experience once again.

 

 

 

Divided By

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Bungkag!. After 35 years, the “people power revolution” is being drowned with the pressing health concerns, K-pop, divisiveness due to online trolls and the all-time selfish intentions.

As our society evolves, it is indeed a potent question to ask: What made us divisive as a people? What are the reasons why we disagree on a lot of things instead of working as a team for a common goal?

Jonathan Haidt in his book titled “The Righteous Mind: Why Good People are Divided by Politics and Religion” mentions that the building blocks of society rely on morality (a belief in what is right and what is wrong). A shared morality helps humans to bind together into cohesive social groups, and that allows us to live more productively and effectively. Inherent in this socialization process, however, is the division of individuals into groups to which we either belong or do not belong. Those who belong become our comrades; those who do not, our adversaries.

These facts can be encountered as we scroll the social media pages where people “label” others as “dilawan” and “loyalists” then bombard us with unqualified and even scandalous words. We can read on long threads their defenses and their profanities which the readers can oftentimes wish they are not in social media so NOT to be infested with such negative murk.

Psychologists began to study labels in the 1930s, when linguist Benjamin Whorf proposed the hypothesis of linguistic relativity. He believed that the words we use to describe what we see are not mere labels, but end up determining what we see.

Decades later, cognitive psychologist Lera Boroditsky demonstrated it with an experiment. She asked people of English or Russian mother tongue to distinguish between two very similar but subtly different shades of blue. She then theorized that labels not only shape our perception of the color, but also change the way we perceive more complex situations.

It is always a mystery why a lot of people label themselves as this and that. In the political arena, we then question their selflessness and equate their “passion” to selfishness. We often conclude that they do this “defenses” for them to benefit something in the future. For what else is there to “fight” for which has the outcome of DIVISION?

But what about those who are labeling themselves who act like a fanatic? Aside from being a fan, it was found out that it is all about CONTROL. Our deep passion for labels comes, in large part, from our need to feel safe and control our environment. A label is a quick response that makes us feel that we have the control, even if it is only an illusionary perception.

While the extremity of the current political rhetoric may feel unprecedented, the emotional undercurrents are common across high-stakes conflicts. If we have any hope of restoring a functional political system that serves the vision of the family, we must understand these hidden forces.

Confrontation focuses the emotional energies on the singular goal of winning over the other side. As people become consumed in this mindset, they reenact partisan patterns of conflict that may comfort the fears but undermine cooperation. Fierce loyalty to “our side” and “their side” makes it impossible to become ONE NATION.

Thirty five years ago today, the people acted as one to gain the real democracy thirsted for. They went to the streets showing oneness towards that goal. But the prize of their efforts is probably not redeemed as we look how others embrace such democracy to the extreme. There are those who hurl insults openly on social media in the guise of freedom. There are those whose ill manners are presented on the web without filtering them with education and cultured decisions.

''1984'' a dystopian novel by George Orwell contains no prophetic declaration, only a simple warning to mankind. Orwell did not believe that 35 years after the publication of his book, the world would be ruled by Big Brother, but he often theorized that 1984 could happen if man did not become aware of the assaults on his personal freedom and did not defend his most precious right, the right to have his own thoughts (Bossche, 1984).

It is really important for us to filter everything in our midst. It is good to be influenced positively by others but to disallow the self to make a stand is deadly. The development of our moral beliefs which leads to the attainment of moral actions is a big start.

While our moral minds may lead us down a path of division, we can choose to pause and reflect on whether or how far down that path we wish to travel. We can, for example, choose to appreciate the value of differing views of the "right" and "wrong" way to live. We can choose to believe in positive intentions, even when those intentions arise from entirely different moral values. We can acknowledge the way our righteous minds tell us a story that is only partly true (Schonbrun, 2018).

Then as a people, we can proceed to where we dreamed of becoming: Whole, United, and Progressive.

People Who Use People

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Manggamit nan tawo tungod sa ambisyon. Fame and power are greatest motivators. There are those who hunger for them that they need to do anything to satisfy the need. Yes, even at the expense of “using” others. There are those who silently plot their moves and there are some who act “cool” as if they are doing nothing at all.

People with power, position, talent and fame are prone to be the target of these individuals. They project themselves towards the personalities and traits of the people they look up to and try to become like them. There is nothing wrong with that. But when manipulations, lying, patronizing and identity-snatching happen, these can become serious matter.

 

Have you ever met people who use you for their own selfish gain? People who call you and pretend to be nice to you and then disappear when you need them? If you have, you’ve probably met people who don’t understand that relationships (like friendship) are a two-way street and that they require an equal investment from both parties.

Covert-Aggressive Personalities are the archetypal wolves in sheep’s clothing who are not openly aggressive in their interpersonal style. In fact, they do their best to keep their aggressive intentions and behaviors carefully masked. They can often appear quite charming and amiable, but underneath their civil facade they are just as ruthless as any other aggressive personality (Simon, 2010).

These persons intentionally want to hurt (or dump) you in a silent manner. The covert-aggressive conceals aggressive intent to ensure you never really see what’s coming; and he or she exploits your normal sensitivities, conscientiousness and other vulnerabilities to manipulate you into succumbing.

But since the field we want to dwell in this discourse is for those who hunger on fame and power; it is believed that the desire for fame has its roots in the experience of neglect, in injury. No one would want to be famous who hadn’t also, somewhere in the past, been made to feel extremely insignificant. People sense the need for a great deal of admiring attention when they have been painfully exposed to earlier deprivation. The same case is with those who thirst for power. A great possibility is that these individuals were exposed to some kind of oppression at an early age.

Seltzer (2019) asked, what is it about certain people that makes them so exclusively devoted to achieving power, not for its own sake (as many authors have suggested), but to abusively gain control over others? For although it’s a universal human need to influence others, the craving to "lord it over them"—to manipulate, exploit, and victimize them—far transcends what’s typically appreciated as normal.

The author continued: Because such individuals are seriously lacking in empathy, they’re unable to identify emotionally with those they use—whether financially, physically, sexually, mentally, or emotionally. Others are viewed solely as a means toward reaching a brutally self-interested end. And with such mean-spirited motivation, they cannot but dehumanize others, regarding and treating them as objects over which to gain extreme advantage.

People with an overriding desire to be widely known to strangers are different from those who primarily covet wealth and influence. Their fame-seeking behavior appears rooted in a desire for social acceptance, a longing for the existential reassurance promised by wide renown.

The urge to achieve social distinction is evident worldwide, even among people for whom prominence is neither accessible nor desirable. This is when the need to “use” others is the only option. The thirst will allow the perpetrator to create a façade of being good and amiable when s/he “connects” to those who have the fame, power and even the talents s/he can use to feed the hunger.

When the perpetrator feels that you can give no more, another prey is going to be hunted.

Disturbed characters carry opportunism to the extreme by exploiting others and situations to the detriment of all involved except themselves. Individuals with deficient characters also tend to focus on opportunities for self-advancement or personal gain without also thinking about how seizing the chance to get something they want might impact others. This is the nature of opportunistic thinking (Simon,2009).

One can notice “these types” when they constantly change their circle of friends.

Now, taking advantage of ripe opportunities is neither bad nor unhealthy in and of itself. But disturbed characters carry opportunism to the extreme by exploiting others and situations to the detriment of all involved except themselves. So, when a situation presents itself, no matter the potential cost — if they see a chance for personal gain, disordered characters will try to capitalize on the opportunity.

There are indeed things that we need to dig deeper. Even the motivations of the self must be evaluated to be a contributor to societal growth rather than its destruction. Relationships are foundations of a society. Our interactions with others must be dealt with care and understanding that such create ripple effects.

We can be with people who inspire us. But it is not healthy to “use” and manipulate them for our own benefit.

 

 

 

Selfishness and Mental Health

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Tanan dapat sentro sa AKO! There are indeed persons, aware or not, who want everything to gravitate to them. These types seem to think that the world revolves around them that they are constantly having conflicts with others especially if they feel that their “identity” is threatened. They are so sensitive to the things happening around especially if these things won’t benefit their needs to feed their insecurities.

Selfishness is defined as the tendency to prioritize one’s own desires and needs above the needs and desires of other people.

Since these persons have vicious cycles of considering themselves and eradicating others, one might ask: what made them? Is it the environment the individual was raised? Was it caused by the parenting styles? Or is because of the deficits the individual encountered in childhood…

Some mental health problems can contribute to the development of selfishness. Many personality disorders, particularly antisocial personality disorder and narcissistic personality disorder, cause people to be so wrapped up in their own desires that they either do not notice or do not care about the needs of others. Many other mental illnesses can cause extreme self-involvement, which can contribute to selfishness. A depressed person, for example, might be so wrapped up in his or her own feelings of suffering that he/she is unable to provide for his/his children or communicate with his/her partner (goodtheraphy.org).

This must be true since the narcissist can never imagine that a person is better than himself.

Another reason why people dwell on it according to Parvez (2014) is that they have a fear of losing control. If someone has many needs and goals, then they overvalue their resources because they think that these resources are going to help them reach their goals. If they lose these resources, they lose their goals and if they lose their goals they feel they have lost control over their life.

Several constructs in the psychological literature appear to capture selfish motivation. For example, narcissistic personality characteristics, particularly entitlement (Campbell et al. 2004) and exploitativeness (Brunell et al. 2013), reflect selfish motivation. Dispositional greed (Seuntjens et al. 2015), materialism (Kasser et al. 2014), and aspiring for fame and fortune (Kasser & Ryan 1996) generally reflect selfish tendencies, although people can aspire to be wealthy or famous, or loved and community-oriented, for either selfish or otherish reasons (Carver & Baird 1998).

There is nothing wrong with taking care of the self and nurturing one’s needs first. One cannot pour out of an empty cup. But to constantly gravitate towards the self and forgetting the well-being of others are socially destructive. The sense of community must be implored to expand the greater good.

Human social life is interdependent, and human thriving depends critically on creating, maintaining, and strengthening social bonds. Selfish motivation can break mutually supportive connections with others, whereas motivation centered on helping/giving builds mutually supportive connections with others.

Selfish motivation is clearly related to poor psychological well-being, physical health, and relationships. For example, materialism is associated with lower psychological well-being both cross-sectionally and over time (Kasser et al. 2014).

With multiple literature pointing selfishness as a by-product of mental illness, it is really important to advocate the stringent stands on mental health these days.

"Emotional intelligence exists on a spectrum, and some individuals are higher in emotional intelligence than others," says Lisa Marie Bobby, PhD, a Colorado-based marriage counselor, therapist, and life coach. "One symptom of low emotional intelligence is the tendency to be self-absorbed, or exclusively concerned about what you're thinking, feeling, needing and wanting, instead of the thoughts, feelings, needs and desires of others."

So aside from being mentally-ill, selfishness stems from low EQ as well. And since these things are so difficult to confront for the “enemy” seems vague and incomprehensible to the layman, it is then important to master self-control. Mental illnesses can be dealt with psychiatrists and medical practitioners but EQ is now the responsibility of the adult. One cannot blame the parents for their inadequacies and adults must take responsibility on their well-being.

Yet, the concept of being selfish can oftentimes be the blind side of the person. Some won’t even accept this as part of their being. So, those who will be improved are those who listens to feedback and those who performs introspection.

In everyday use, introspection is a way of looking inward and examining one's internal thoughts and feelings. By doing so, individuals can now look inwards and function what benefits the majority outwards.

Incomplete

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Kalain anhi, yay ako Valentina/Valentino! A complain commonly heard by many as Valentine’s Day approaches. It is as if one is required to have someone during the exact date.  If s/he is single,  there must be a date and if the person is married (or “taken” as the pop culture terms it), s/he must be with the significant other to become “whole”. This perception or mentality was enforced by societal pressures and media campaigns as marketing strategies.

Romantics melted when Tom Cruise uttered “You complete me” in the 1996 hit movie Jerry Maguire to the character played by Renee Zellweger. Soon the sentiment became a litmus test of commitment and dedication in many relationships. People misconceived the concept of being “whole” by depending their happiness and contentment to another person.

Prewitt (2018) stated that the belief behind the sentiment could be dangerous. Many people assume “completion” is a goal in psychotherapy, yet that couldn’t be further from the truth. The goals of effective relationship therapy are centered on teaching two whole, healthy individuals how to be great partners to each other.

A mature and healthy love relationship says “I choose to enjoy my life and want to do so with you”. Stability in a relationship means happiness is an import instead of an export. The partners bring their happiness into the relationship to share, not expecting to extract happiness to fill their own deficits. Love and commitment come from finding someone you want to share your life with, not someone who you expect to give you a happy life.

Carl Jung says we marry our unconscious mind (or sub conscious) and then project our unresolved material onto our partner. Bruce Lipton in the book The Honeymoon Effect, talks about how most relationships start off with a place of imbalance, and we seek another to balance us.

But then, the selfish motive would rear its ugly head. You are looking for someone who “completes” you without any thinking that you will do the same to the other. The unconscious longing to make yourself whole and allowing another to do it will then become the source of conflict. When the individual demands to the partner to constantly “give” so to be complete, a cycle of selfishness happens. Imagine what happens when the other wants the same? Emotional vampires will be created.

One cannot pour from an empty cup. There is nothing to give if one doesn’t have it.

Self-love is a state of appreciation for oneself that grows from actions that support our physical, psychological and spiritual growth. Self-love means having a high regard for your own well-being and happiness. Self-love means taking care of your own needs and not sacrificing your well-being to please others.

Self-love is not simply a state of feeling good; it is an action. It is a choice. It is a way of relating to yourself that involves being understanding for your mistakes, understanding in your losses, and being able to effectively communicate with yourself about life without harshly judging or punishing yourself.

Research has shown that learning how to do self-love is associated with: Less anxiety and depression; Better recovery from stress;  An overall more optimistic outlook on life; and, better adherence to healthy behavior changes. In short, self-love is how you view yourself and how you treat yourself (psychologicalhealthcare.com).

It has been mentioned repeatedly that before one can journey towards others, s/he must journey first within the self. Low self-esteem or lack of self-love is something that could be developed in childhood and carry through to adulthood. Or, it is something that could present itself solely in adulthood. The person within must be in control of these deficits to prepare for a better relationship with others before committing to a relationship.

Ergo, make yourself WHOLE or COMPLETE first than allowing (or demanding) others to do it for your own sake.

According to Pollock (2019) Self Mastery is self-regulation or self-control, and it’s the ability to get yourself to consistently behave in ways that move you toward your goals rather than away from them. It’s the ability to set a course of action and keep moving forward no matter how hard it gets or how unmotivated you feel. It’s the ability to recognize and overcome your negative habits, so you can intentionally create the amazing life you’ve imagined.

It is self-centered to look for an “inspiration”. This concept sucks the goodness from the other person. It is better to be THE INSPIRATION so to give something which you already have: love, respect, compassion, understanding and many things more.

Instead of saying “You complete me,” say: We are both complete and it is time to share our completeness so to create a more peaceful and nurturing relationship.

A Venture in the Dark Side

 

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In the quest of better understanding the SELF to attempt in mastering it, there are multiples studies to be delved into. The literature related to the topic is vast. Yet, this writer is gravitating to the concepts and theories of Swiss psychoanalyst Carl Jung.

One of the readings that can be titillating is this:

There in the horrors of prisons, lunatic asylums and hospitals, in drab suburban pubs, in brothels and gambling-hells, in the salons of the elegant, the Stock Exchanges, socialist meetings, churches, revivalist gatherings and ecstatic sects, through love and hate, through the experience of passion in every form in his own body, he would reap richer stores of knowledge than text-books a foot thick could give him, and he will know how to doctor the sick with a real knowledge of the human soul. -- Carl Jung (from "New Paths in Psychology", in Collected Papers on Analytic Psychology, London, 1916)

Jung rejected the tabula rasa theory of human psychological development. He proposed that thoughts, connections, behaviors, and feelings exist within the human race such as belonging, love, death, and fear, among others. These constitute what Jung called as "collective unconscious" and the concept of archetypes underpin this notion.

Along the way, these archetypes are embedded in the things that we can reflect. We can look deeper in us to understand the SELF better.

The Persona

The persona (or mask) is the outward face we present to the world. It conceals our real self and Jung describes it as the “conformity” archetype. This is the public face or role a person presents to others as someone different to who we really are (like an actor).

The Anima/Animus

Another archetype is the anima/animus. The “anima/animus” is the mirror image of our biological sex, that is, the unconscious feminine side in males and the masculine tendencies in women. Each sex manifests attitudes and behavior of the other by virtue of centuries of living together. The psyche of a woman contains masculine aspects (the animus archetype), and the psyche of a man contains feminine aspects (the anima archetype).

The Shadow

Next is the shadow. This is the animal side of our personality (like the id in Freud). It is the source of both our creative and destructive energies. In line with evolutionary theory, it may be that Jung’s archetypes reflect predispositions that once had survival value.

The Self

Finally, there is the self which provides a sense of unity in experience. For Jung, the ultimate aim of every individual is to achieve a state of self-hood (similar to self-actualization), and in this respect, Jung (like Erikson) is moving in the direction of a more humanist orientation.

The quest to become a better individual to be a person of the world is to realize his/her potential. Still, this writer is very much intrigued with The Shadow. This was awakened as the plot of Robert Louis Stevenson’s “The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde” was revisited.

There is a need to control The Shadow to arrive to the full potentials of The Self.

The Curse of Cupid

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Nag-alingasa kay ya pay uyab! Sometimes, it is confusing why young people are being pressured to have a partner of sorts especially that February 14 is fast approaching. What is the psychology behind this? Are these people aware that they are being victimized by the marketing strategies of commercial institutions that the mentality stuck? You see, one can express love or be in a relationship anytime.

In 2020, prnewswire.com published “The Pressures of Valentine's Day & Dating” study which reveals that 43% of singles consider Valentine's Day to be the most pressure-filled day, with 1 in 5 wishing the event was canceled altogether.

The research also shows that on Valentine's Day, singles feel pressure to be romantic (51%), be in a relationship (43%), go on a date (42%), spend more money on gifts than they want to (37%), act like the holiday is meaningful (41%), or show others they have a Valentine (36%). Interestingly, the biggest pressures come from external sources tied to societal expectations (58%), commercialization and non-stop advertising of the big day (57%), and social media hype (48%).

Individuals with strong personalities understand that being pressured by the things they see and read can be a form of weakness. They stick on their own choices and be directed to where their visions of who they are geared. Reflective ones also look deeper on the reasons why people are “going with the flow”. They will then dichotomize things and arrive to conclusions and specific actions and NOT just “accept the facts”.

Whatever happened to the good old days of cutting out simple paper hearts, scarfing down a couple of powdery candies stamped with "Happy Valentine’s Day" on the side, and giving them to the parents and teachers? Nowadays, even TV stations are getting on shows offering special holiday centered programming and movies. And don't forget the restaurants offering a simple night out for two starting at discounted rates… so with hotels offering Valentine’s Day packages for lovers.

Around the end of the 5th Century, Pope Gelasius deemed February 14 as St. Valentine’s Day. The Catholic Church has three saints named Valentine or Valentinus – all martyrs, and all portrayed as a “sympathetic, heroic and, most importantly, a romantic figure.”

Dr. Gary Brown (2021) pointed that it took a few more centuries for St. Valentine’s Day to be connected with romance though, and in the Middle Ages it really kicked in. The first Valentines are reported to have been written in the 1400s. In the early 1700s, the practice of professing your love to another person in writing or deed picked up steam in the United States. And voila! Now it’s a multi-billion dollar industry and the 2nd largest gift-sending holiday!

The media has then portrayed the day in romanticized and idealized ways and has managed to put pressure on young people to be in a relationship or want a relationship. We have been inundated with images of cupids, fancy dinners, sunsets, and diamonds, and all this visual conditioning has created an expectation of what should be.  That formula has worked for marketers.  The industry generates more than 14 billion dollars in retail sales each year. 

Dr. Laura Brown says: “Love is not about a particular day, or about cards, flowers, or even being in a relationship. The illusion that coupled people are happy and well-loved can feed feelings of loneliness or isolation for people who aren't with someone, and wish they were. Seeing the illusory nature of this holiday can be the first step in feeling better about being precisely whom and where you are.”

According to Brown, the most important message that people should remember on Valentine's Day is that love is not just for couples or a select few; it is for all of us.

Valentine’s Day doesn’t mean anything at all except for the meaning we give it. The people who get the strongest reaction around it, good or bad, are really just looking for reassurance that they are loved through a made-up holiday. If you are single, you want a Valentine so you can feel lovable. You celebrate when you have a date (even if it is someone that you settled for just to get out for the evening) or you get down on yourself, if you spend the night alone. The same goes for couples who need a big hoopla or gift so their partner can prove their love. If he or she doesn’t follow through, it could be the cause of distress in the relationship, said Debi Berndt.

There is nothing wrong with being in love, giving gifts and be able to express one’s feelings. But why limit it to a single day? There are days when we can do such. We can displace love and affection any day of the year. And being pressured to have a significant someone during a day is a bit skewed. Where is the normalcy on looking for “anybody” just to feel OK?

Emotional strength is defined as ‘the ability to respond in an open and vulnerable way in the face of intense emotional experience, feeling one's way deeper into the emotion which allows access to implicit functional processes driving action’. The skill is to feel deeply into all emotion experience, opening up vulnerability and emotional responsiveness and to change the way emotion is understood in everyday life.

We need to be strong and not bend on outer pressures so to survive in this technology-driven and media-filled existence. We can spread love anytime and not just on a specific date. Let us not be stressed on particular concepts of happiness for it leads to depression.