Kalain anhi, yay ako Valentina/Valentino! A complain commonly heard by many as Valentine’s Day approaches. It is as if one is required to have someone during the exact date. If s/he is single, there must be a date and if the person is married (or “taken” as the pop culture terms it), s/he must be with the significant other to become “whole”. This perception or mentality was enforced by societal pressures and media campaigns as marketing strategies.
Romantics melted when Tom Cruise uttered “You complete me” in the 1996 hit movie Jerry Maguire to the character played by Renee Zellweger. Soon the sentiment became a litmus test of commitment and dedication in many relationships. People misconceived the concept of being “whole” by depending their happiness and contentment to another person.
Prewitt (2018) stated that the belief behind the sentiment could be dangerous. Many people assume “completion” is a goal in psychotherapy, yet that couldn’t be further from the truth. The goals of effective relationship therapy are centered on teaching two whole, healthy individuals how to be great partners to each other.
A mature and healthy love relationship says “I choose to enjoy my life and want to do so with you”. Stability in a relationship means happiness is an import instead of an export. The partners bring their happiness into the relationship to share, not expecting to extract happiness to fill their own deficits. Love and commitment come from finding someone you want to share your life with, not someone who you expect to give you a happy life.
Carl Jung says we marry our unconscious mind (or sub conscious) and then project our unresolved material onto our partner. Bruce Lipton in the book The Honeymoon Effect, talks about how most relationships start off with a place of imbalance, and we seek another to balance us.
But then, the selfish motive would rear its ugly head. You are looking for someone who “completes” you without any thinking that you will do the same to the other. The unconscious longing to make yourself whole and allowing another to do it will then become the source of conflict. When the individual demands to the partner to constantly “give” so to be complete, a cycle of selfishness happens. Imagine what happens when the other wants the same? Emotional vampires will be created.
One cannot pour from an empty cup. There is nothing to give if one doesn’t have it.
Self-love is a state of appreciation for oneself that grows from actions that support our physical, psychological and spiritual growth. Self-love means having a high regard for your own well-being and happiness. Self-love means taking care of your own needs and not sacrificing your well-being to please others.
Self-love is not simply a state of feeling good; it is an action. It is a choice. It is a way of relating to yourself that involves being understanding for your mistakes, understanding in your losses, and being able to effectively communicate with yourself about life without harshly judging or punishing yourself.
Research has shown that learning how to do self-love is associated with: Less anxiety and depression; Better recovery from stress; An overall more optimistic outlook on life; and, better adherence to healthy behavior changes. In short, self-love is how you view yourself and how you treat yourself (psychologicalhealthcare.com).
It has been mentioned repeatedly that before one can journey towards others, s/he must journey first within the self. Low self-esteem or lack of self-love is something that could be developed in childhood and carry through to adulthood. Or, it is something that could present itself solely in adulthood. The person within must be in control of these deficits to prepare for a better relationship with others before committing to a relationship.
Ergo, make yourself WHOLE or COMPLETE first than allowing (or demanding) others to do it for your own sake.
According to Pollock (2019) Self Mastery is self-regulation or self-control, and it’s the ability to get yourself to consistently behave in ways that move you toward your goals rather than away from them. It’s the ability to set a course of action and keep moving forward no matter how hard it gets or how unmotivated you feel. It’s the ability to recognize and overcome your negative habits, so you can intentionally create the amazing life you’ve imagined.
It is self-centered to look for an “inspiration”. This concept sucks the goodness from the other person. It is better to be THE INSPIRATION so to give something which you already have: love, respect, compassion, understanding and many things more.
Instead of saying “You complete me,” say: We are both complete and it is time to share our completeness so to create a more peaceful and nurturing relationship.
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