Dust

I close my eyes, only for a moment, and the moment's gone… All my dreams pass before my eyes, a curiosity…Dust in the wind…All they are is dust in the wind… (Kansas)

It was like heaven, the inside of a taxi embraced you with the cold arms of the air-conditioning system. You surrendered to the cushioned seat and Kansas then started reminding you of your mortality. The worldly comforts of the seat and the waft of coldness vanished as you succumbed to introspection.

You remembered the ideal state you dreamed about. The sojourns to the places you fancy; the stories those strangers give when they whisper to your willing ears…The clothes and exotic food served before you matched with aperitif and godly desserts. You thought these were the meaningful stuff… But you were wrong. Life served you with the harshness of reality.

You realized that NOT all you want will turn into reality. The dreams shatter into pieces as you get bombarded with the selfish forces of the people surrounding you. Even how courageous you can be, there are those who are in power who will crush you. The envious ones also kill your spirit. They smear your hope with something pungent from their own deficits. You are left with nothing but the bitter taste of your fantasies…

Same old song, just a drop of water in an endless sea…All we do crumbles to the ground though we refuse to see…Dust in the wind…All we are is dust in the wind…

Then, you wanted to connect. You craved for the affection and affirmation of someone who can COMPLETE you. Lovers came and go. The gap inside continued to eat you up. It even created a chasm leading to an abyss. You then realized that the songs they are singing play the same beat. You ventured on different genre but failed to find the music which could quench the thirst of your existential angsts.

You then realize that you failed to journey within your own self. The loneliness and emptiness that you feel are by-products of the vague understanding of the person cringing inside.

Whatever the world brings, whoever is there, you will always feel empty since you do not know what you are craving for.

Now don't hang on…Nothing lasts forever but the earth and sky…It slips away…And all your money won't another minute buy…

You attached yourself to the titles you can get. You competed for the accolade and recognition. But you feel that such things are still lacking. There is an unending craving for being on the top. You absent-mindlessly brushed aside the groans of pain of those you stepped on. What is important is the recognition, not those human beings around you. They are just pawns on your own battle.

But the trophies could not embrace you. Your titles could not comfort you when you get sick. The commendations won’t materialize into words of comfort once you will be pained. The things you desire most are simply…THINGS! Unfeeling, uncaring…

Dust in the wind… All we are is dust in the wind…

So what must you do to find the gold amidst the impending “dustiness”? Emily Esfahani Smith mentions in “The Power of Meaning” the following:

Belonging. When we are understood, recognized, and affirmed by friends, family members, partners, colleagues, and even strangers, we feel we belong to a community. Results from some studies—as well as end-of-life conversations—indicate that many people count their relationships as the most meaningful part of their lives, even when those relationships are difficult or strained… We then see the people around us as more important than things and recognition.

Purpose. When we have long-term goals in life that reflect our values and serve the greater good, we tend to imbue our activities with more meaning. Selfishness is confronted for the COMMON GOOD.

Transcendence. Experiences that fill us with awe or wonder—ones in which “we feel we have risen above the everyday world to experience a higher reality,” according to Smith—can decrease our self-focus and lead us to engage in more generous, helpful behavior. It may seem counter intuitive in some ways; but the diminishing of our own self-importance can induce a sense of meaning.

These, you see, might be effective. Living a life focused on competing with others could resort to nonsensical existence. The SELF is preserved for OTHERS. We need to see the importance of such thoughts since…

Everything is dust in the wind.

(photo: poesypluspolemics.com)

Stabbed

Kasakit na kamatajon! These words still reverberate in our midst as we try to move on from the brutal death of a teacher and her two children as they got stabbed to death by allegedly the husband. The family man ran amok after episodes of depression and mental instability which resulted to the painful demise of his family and eventually himself.

Violence against women (VAW) appears as one of the country’s pervasive social problems. According to the 2008 National Demographic and Health Survey conducted by the National Statistics Office, one in five Filipino women age 15-49 has experienced physical violence since age 15. It is indeed alarming that despite efforts to address the concern, VAW persists.

VAW is deemed to be closely linked with the unequal power relationship between women and men otherwise known as “gender-based violence.” Societal norms and traditions dictate people to think men are the leaders, pursuers, providers, and take on dominant roles in society while women are nurturers, men’s companions and supporters, and take on subordinate roles in society. This perception leads to men gaining more power over women. With power comes the need to control to retain that power. And VAW is a form of men’s expression of controlling women to retain power (osg.gov.ph).

When power is going to be muddled with psychological imbalance, violence comes in. That is why a lot of people are advocating mental health since manifestations of violence, untimely death and violence to children have become pervasive in the country. Also, chemical imbalance induced by drug intake is another cause of the rage and outbursts among the people these days.

UNICEF mentions that according to the 2015 National Baseline Survey on Violence Against Children in the Philippines, there is a high prevalence of physical, psychological, sexual and online violence committed on Filipino children. Eighty per cent of Filipino children have experienced some form of violence at home, in school, in their community and online. These are often committed by people they trust. Despite the high incidence of violence, 7 in 10 children are not aware of services that may be able to help them.

One could ask: Why do people inflict pain on the people they vowed to love and protect? If these are coming from the cultural implications that fathers are the ones to “straighten” the paths of his family, will violence be acceptable? What evils lurk behind the facade of such family men?

Aggression and violence in adults are results of violent experiences from childhood. Parents who give corporal punishments to their children oftentimes produce violent adults in the future. The cycle will then continue. Aggressive children often turn into violent adults, according to research from Concordia University that monitored local kids from grade 1 through to adulthood.

Legislation and laws are present in the Philippines. In section 2 of R.A. 9262: towards this end, the State shall exert efforts to address violence committed against women and children in keeping with the fundamental freedoms guaranteed under the Constitution and the Provisions of the Universal Declaration of Human Rights, the convention on the Elimination of all forms of discrimination Against Women, Convention on the Rights of the Child and other international human rights instruments of which the Philippines is a party.

In the study conducted by this writer. The Implementation of Anti-Violence Against Women and Their Children Act in the Secondary Schools of CarCanMadCarLan area, Surigao del Sur, it was found out that the schools only implement the law SOMETIMES specifically focusing on physical violence. Lack of training of the law is mentioned as the main culprit.

Aside from the massive campaign for anti-drugs and mental health, there is a need for the people to understand Gender and Development issues so to eliminate gender-based violence. Also, a concerted effort among the local governments and the academe to orient people about legislation and laws like RA 9262 (Anti-Violence Against Women and their Children) must be done.

We do not want evil to thrive among us. The society could not just allow things like a family massacre to prevail. We need to act together. Violence must be stopped. Domestic aggression is no longer a private thing. It is now a crime against society. We report things similar to battery of women. We muddle with parents who are abusive to their children. Or, as concerned citizen, we can report these episodes to authorities.

Let us not just grieve. Let us take action!

Cortisol

Stressed ako pirme! This could be heard in the workplace and these complaints are always directed to the workload and the people around those who are edging towards burnout. One could wonder why there are people who could do away with the so-called stress gracefully. It seems that they understand how to deal with the pressures and see the way out of its negative effects to the emotions, body and the entire well-being.

Psychology Today mentions that stress generally refers to two things: the psychological perception of pressure, on the one hand, and the body's response to it, on the other, which involves multiple systems, from metabolism to muscles to memory.

A stressful event—whether an external phenomenon like the sudden appearance of a snake on the path or an internal event like fear of losing one's job when the boss yells—triggers a cascade of hormones, including adrenaline and cortisol, that surge through the entire body, speeding heartbeat and the circulation of blood to support quick action, mobilizing fat and sugar for fast energy, focusing attention to track the danger, preparing muscles for movement, and more.

Over the last few years, this is mentioned by people who have responsibilities and relationships to the point that one will wonder how to manage and prevent stress from overcoming one’s equilibrium.

If you’re living with high levels of stress, you’re putting your entire well-being at risk. Stress wreaks havoc on your emotional status, as well as your physical health. It narrows your ability to think clearly, function effectively, and enjoy life.

Effective stress management, on the other hand, helps you break the hold stress has on your life, so you can be happier, healthier, and more productive. The ultimate goal is a balanced life, with time for work, relationships, relaxation, and fun—and the resilience to hold up under pressure and meet challenges head on. But stress management is not one-size-fits-all (Robinson, 2019).

There are those of us who feed on it. Others consider this as a gauge of being effective. They overwork themselves to show that they are functional individuals. They even consider people who find time unwinding and enjoying their weekends as inefficient.

At first, the term “Savior Complex” may have a positive connotation. However, when you learn more about it and the underlying motivations and impact on others, it is clear that this behavior pattern can be problematic (Benton, 2017).

According to the blog PeopleSkillsDecoded.com, the savior complex can be best defined as “A psychological construct which makes a person feel the need to save other people. This person has a strong tendency to seek people who desperately need help and to assist them, often sacrificing their own needs for these people.” They also work all the time to save the company, organization or...the world.

But then again, you cannot really change other people. You can only change your attitude towards them. If they do stuff which may shatter your footing, you are the one to allow yourself to be bothered. You are allowing cortisol to develop inside your system. But if you decide NOT to let others take away your peace, all would be well.

The Second of The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz is “Don’t Take Anything Personally.” This book chapter and the following quote teaches key concepts that may provide helpful guidance for those struggling with savior complex tendencies:

“You are never responsible for the actions of others; you are only responsible for your own.”

People who seek out power or find themselves unexpectedly in positions of power often develop such ideas about themselves; after all, their employees, citizens or dependents count on the leader’s competence, permission, wisdom, generosity etc. to survive. In the sense of power “going to someone’s head”, it can definitely twist up someone’s perspective of the world. This state of being is often linked to having delusions of grandeur, but it is not technically a diagnosable psychological disorder (Staughton, 2017).

The direction of this discourse is for us to realize that we cannot control everything or everybody. Some might agree with us or others might not be aligned to our beliefs. By having this mindset, we can avoid stress or be exposed to stressful situations which can be counterproductive.

It is a fact of life that THINGS HAPPEN. We do not have all the control over them.

In the end, we must not be enslaved by work. We must find meaning from the work we do and maintain our well-being, God even rested on the seventh day…

Famished

Waya makuntento? This was asked by someone who tried to understand an acquaintance who is having multiple affairs even if the person is already married. The discussion segued to human nature. There is some sort of hunger one will have when something is deprived of him/her. There was even a warning given by experts not to be in a grocery store when one is hungry. Chances are, you will buy unnecessary things without thinking properly. The compulsion is driven by the hunger…reason and even moral sieving will be NOT present.

Hunger is a powerful emotion, which is both exploitative and destructive to others when it is acted out. People identify this feeling with love and mistakenly associate these longings with genuine affection. Nothing could be further from the truth.

According to Firestone (2009), feelings of emotional hunger are deep and are like a dull but powerful aching in your insides. You may often find yourself reaching out and touching others or expressing affection and loving movements in order to attempt to kill off this aching sensation. People often give physical affection and attention when they feel the most need for it themselves.

Psychologists say that such hunger is a strong emotional need caused by deprivation in childhood. It is a primitive condition of pain and longing which people often act out in a desperate attempt to fill a void or emptiness. This emptiness is related to the pain of aloneness and separateness and can never realistically be fully satisfied in an adult relationship.

What about those who continuously crave for accomplishment and recognition? Why is it so difficult for them to be contented? What kind of hunger is this?

While all humans need affirmation from others, different people have different sorts of recognition hunger. Some are so internally weak, they need constant validation and applause. They seek publicity for themselves. They want to be noticed, and they ache when they are not noticed. The hungrier they are for recognition, the weaker they are within themselves. They don’t think their life matters unless they receive constant attention, however superficial or ephemeral. It may seem odd, but it is often very true, that the most “popular” and “powerful” people are also the most lonely and insecure people (Rabbi Marc Angel, 2018).

People with excessive recognition hunger are so worried about their own egos, that they are callous when it comes to caring about others. They want praise aimed at themselves; they are self-centered and self-serving. They will step on anyone and do almost anything in order to advance themselves and gain more recognition (Transactional Analysis, Berne).

It is a human need to be recognized. It has been a subject of multiple discussions anchored on Maslow’s theory of motivation. But there is always a time to reach the point of being self-actualized. During adulthood it could be queer when one is constantly craving for attention and recognition if he/she already has a handful of them. The hunger must be checked by the individual so that he or she must level up to being actualized and could now SERVE. The person will then become a worker FOR others (i.e. the family, community and others).

Theo Tsaousides, Ph.D (2018) mentions that a periodic assessment of your life satisfaction provides you with a mirror on which you can reflect your accomplishments, your desires, and your unfulfilled needs all at once. It provides a global picture of your progress in life in relation to your own expectations, and it becomes a good starting point to begin exploring in more depth what contributes to the quality of your life and what is taking away from it.

Confronting the “hungers” (which Eric Berne identified as Stimulus, Recognition, Contact, Sexual, Time Structure and Incident) is a personal journey. It has been mentioned many times that a person must journey from the Self to the Self so to be able to understand himself/herself better. Once the person conquers such hungers, the main function (that is to serve the self and others) could now be attained.

Martin Luther King aptly said it: “This life, therefore, is not godliness but the process of becoming godly, not health but getting well, not being but becoming, not rest but exercise. We are not now what we shall be, but we are on the way. The process is not yet finished, but it is actively going on. This is not the goal but it is the right road. At present, everything does not gleam and sparkle, but everything is being cleansed.”

Climbing

Kinahanglan mosikat!  There are those around us who claim the glory or credit of what we work or do. These persons are usually hungry for recognition to the point that they will claim which is basically NOT theirs. This often create tension and conflict in the group or organization since credit must be given where it is due.

You often come across people who credit themselves for other people’s achievements instead of making their own. They claim other people’s triumphs as their own and take advantage of the applause they receive from unknowing spectators. They think that nobody will find out their secret and feed off of the blind recognition they receive.

There are also people who lie about their identities as a way to extol how important and valuable they are. They tell constant, continuous lies and invent a life for themselves that they wish they had, or they exaggerate their achievements to make them seem more important than they are. For some, anything goes in this game, where they seek to quench their thirst for recognition (exploringyourmind.com).

This is the time when the person must be aware of his/her motivations since the NEED to be recognized overpowers what is GOOD. The hunger is now intense to the point that he/she does not mind societal norms as long as the need must be met. But as the constant discourse expands, this goes back to deficits during childhood.

As children, hopefully we get lots of recognition, praise, and support, assuming we have decent attentive parents. Not everyone does, but most do. Either way, as we grow into adult years, we get less and less, and maybe no valuing recognition depending on how supportive our relationships are. Once we are working, maybe we get a performance review once per year. Very often it is focused on areas we can improve, and not to celebrate our accomplishments and achievements (Warmerdam, 2018).

There are times when a mere observer wonders what drives a person to be highly-competitive to the point that he/she steps on the necks of others. This person (if he/she leads a group) does not mind if others are already suffering or being drained out as long as the goal to WIN or be recognized must be met. This is quiet dangerous since the leader might be unreflective. Introspection is needed so that the common good will be ventured.

A powerful, authentic leader does not need recognition to feel good. They know that their skills, approaches and leadership are making a difference. They get on with the job, leaving self-consciousness behind, negating the need for others to confirm how great they are. Sadly most of our leaders are not driven by their own expressions of humility but rather by their egos. The pursuit of financial reward and career status to demonstrate individual success is a self-assurance strategy. Just as control freaks write lists upon lists and have the complete inability to delegate, egotistical leaders begin to arrogantly believe that they deserve recognition and a clear and successful career path (Villani, 2013).

Individuals who are also competitive resort to pulling others down and highly critical on the achievements of others. These people will spread vile rumors and often destroy the reputation of those who are achieving. They could not reach the point of appreciation since their need overpowers the normal reaction of recognizing the achievements of others. They even see these people as threats to their own stability.

But they could never be stabilized since there is an unstable urge to be on top. There is an unquenched thirst to be addressed. That is the reason why signs and symptoms of being irritable and moody arise. Such mood often radiates and could affect relationships…

According to Hamm (2009), the painful truth, though, is that such recognition is fleeting. After the impressed people have gone away and your big purchase is forgotten about, you’re left with some big bills and a budget that’s being stretched to its limit to cover it. The recognition is over but you’re still hungry for it.

It is limiting to be enslaved in that need. There are better things to do in life with the people you love and there are still experiences to venture. It is good to be recognized by your efforts but to constantly hunger for it is another story.

 Let others shine as well.

For the Many

No choice na! Words most of us utter when we are faced with a situation when we reached a certain dead-end of options. Yet there are those who use this as an expression which a progressive mind often repels. You have a choice. The world is full of choices. You could innovate or redefine your standards. We also do compromise.

The word compromise according to Peterson (2012) is used in two different senses, one typically positive and the other typically negative. The good sense of compromise is finding a common ground with another person, as in reaching a mutual agreement about a difficult course of action affecting both of you. The bad sense is being untrue to your core values and beliefs, as in selling out to achieve some short-term goal.

The second one, most of time, would be counterproductive since it will eventually erode the foundation of a person or an organization. This would also define the person in terms of deciding the best for him/herself or for others.

In today’s scene, it is a bit hard to keep up with who believes what, and who is living their beliefs. “Walking the talk” and “Doing what I do, not what I say” seem to have become trite phrases that are discounted. You don’t have to look far to see that much hypocrisy abounds. What is hypocrisy? According to Dictionary.com, it is “the practice of claiming to have moral standards or beliefs to which one’s own behavior does not conform; pretense. (Flaxington, 2018)”.

It is the pressing issue we have among our leaders. There must be a strong one whose heart is rooted to make the common good be materialized. But with the deficits of the families and the educational system, the in-breeding of children seem to be on the skewed area. Adults thrive on selfish intentions and the web it created in the society is so intricate to align to the welfare of the majority.

The common good is a notion that originated over two thousand years ago in the writings of Plato, Aristotle, and Cicero. More recently, the ethicist John Rawls defined the common good as "certain general conditions that are...equally to everyone's advantage".

The common good, then, consists primarily of having the social systems, institutions, and environments on which we all depend work in a manner that benefits all people. Examples of particular common goods or parts of the common good include an accessible and affordable public health care system, functional education, an effective system of public safety and security… Because such systems, institutions, and environments have such a powerful impact on the well-being of members of a society, it is no surprise that virtually every social problem in one way or another is linked to how well these systems and institutions are functioning (Velasquez, Andre, et.al., 2017).

There is indeed a great need to function well and align our roles to the greater whole. People who have this mindset have reached the level of actualization that they are now making their needs as the stepping stones in attaining the welfare of the many. Those who got sick or being bound by their deficits continue to hoard things and accolades for themselves.

Choice theory is the study of how decisions get made. The term was coined in a book of the same name by William Glasser, who argued that all choices are made to satisfy five basic needs: survival, love and belonging, power, freedom, and fun.

Underlying these basic ways of thinking about, according to Ye (2017) is the assumption we truly understand our preferences and how to weigh them against each other. But what happens when freedom conflicts with power? How do you choose when two options will provide you with equal amounts of fun?

One thing to keep in mind is the importance of others as well as the self. This could lead the person to decide well not just to arrive to an escapist way of saying: No choice na!

In a knowledge-based economy . . . a knowledge worker’s primary deliverable is a good decision. In addition, more and more people are being tasked with making decisions that are likely to be biased because of the presence of too much information, time pressure, simultaneous choice, or some other constraint – Eric Wargo.

Filling the Void

Bahala sila! These words are uttered mostly by those who do not have a care in the world to what may happen to others. The lack of empathy is one of the scariest things to happen to a person since s/he will be incapable of loving when the heart is devoid of the ability to care.

Empathy is a broad concept that refers to the cognitive and emotional reactions of an individual to the observed experiences of another. Having empathy increases the likelihood of helping others and showing compassion. According to the Greater Good Science Center: “It is also a key ingredient of successful relationships because it helps us understand the perspectives, needs, and intentions of others.”

When selfish intentions overpower, the ability to feel and understand others diminishes since the main focus of the person is now the self. Despite the abundance of resources, others are incapable of helping people since generosity is inconsistent to being self-centered.

All of us have dreams and goals but some of us believe that they might not be able to reach them and that’s why they save all of their resources to themselves just to ease some of the insecurity they are feeling. Lots of selfish people have big unmet needs which make them feel insecure and the result is being afraid to give anything away not to remind themselves of their lack of control over their lives (Radwan, 2018).

According to Streep (2017), empathy is the bedrock of intimacy and close connection; in its absence, relationships remain emotionally shallow, defined largely by mutual interests or shared activities.

This is the reason why friendships and romantic relationships shatter because of the lack of connection. When one party is going to be the vampire, the one who sucks all the energy of the partner or friends, the other end would let go and disconnect themselves for self-preservation.

In families, how many parents “feel” for their children? There are those who even see them as accidents. That is one of the reasons why the kids become bullies since they try to make bullying as a crutch for their inadequacies. In child-friendly schools, school leaders and teachers often see these young people as victims as well. Who or what made them? These acts of selfishness are counterproductive indeed. It creates a vicious cycle of indifference and even violence.

There are teachers as well whose extrinsic motivations prevail. They only work for the financial rewards and see their learners as their JOBS. They just let their day pass without thinking if the learner is humanized by the lessons s/he haphazardly presented.

And what about those government workers who shout at their clients; the legislators and elected officials who do not even understand that the voice of the constituents must be heard? They must transcend their personal wants and consider others since they vow to be public servants.

Not surprisingly, according to Psychology Today, the extent of your own emotional intelligence—your ability to know what you’re feeling, to accurately label and name different emotions with precision, and to use your emotions to inform your thinking—will make it easier or harder for you to be empathic. The more connected you are to your own emotions, the greater your ability to feel for others.

Discourses like these often lead back to self-knowledge through introspection. By having a keen understanding of the self, the person could now journey to others since s/he already journeyed to the SELF.

We must care. The sole purpose of living is not just to satisfy the SELF but to serve others. The family could be the so-called OTHERS but there is a larger family outside the home. We now understand that selfishness is now seen if you are only capable of caring for your family and “clan”. Empathy is pervasive.

Every day, people serve their neighbors and our nation in many different ways, from helping a child learn and easing the loneliness of those without a family to defending our freedom overseas. It is in this spirit of dedication to others and to our country that I believe service should be broadly and deeply encouraged -John McCain.