Entitled

                                                           (Photo: dailymail.co.uk)

Magboot kaw? The retort was given by a student who came to school wearing skimpy shorts. The guard asked why she was dressed that way and the girl answered back as if her clothes were appropriate to an academic environment. Other students seemed to blame the guard for asking the question as if they are entitled to do anything even if this is NOT acceptable to the school norms anymore.

Khan (2019) says that entitlement is defined as "an unrealistic, unmerited or inappropriate expectation of favorable living conditions and favorable treatment at the hands of others."

Since the Philippines is now adapting to the opening of its doors to the “world culture,” the orientation of the young and adults seems to experience a divide. One of these gaps is the sense of entitlement of the young as if they deserve to do everything they fancy putting traditions, culture and values on the sidelines.

Statistics show that 65% of American adults think that millennials are entitled. There are different reasons why they become self-entitled. It can be because of parenting, their sense of “ownership” to the world, or the fact that their generation has been more intellectually trained and skilled than other generations before them (Brown, 2018).

As a country, we were under the Spanish mindset for so long that we inherited the disciplinarian way. We trained our kids to behave and NOT answer or talk back to adults. Once they did, being punished was expected. The older ones got accustomed to this that it will be a questionable act to talk back especially NOT following their directions. The young persons will then be labeled as a rebel or “suplado” if they “break the rules”.

When the country joined with the United Nations, legislation on children’s rights became a reality. We then linked to the universal declarations and acculturation came in. Schools became learner-centered and everything is then focused to the customer. Principals and teachers became service-providers and now, the clients could question the way they are being SERVED.

Are these concepts and technological advancements the causal factors of being entitled among the young?

In society, entitlement is often perceived differently from a sense of entitlement. While the latter breeds negative connotations, Psychology Today cites entitlement as "an enduring personality trait, characterized by the belief that one deserves preferences and resources that others do not." At its best, entitlement can be viewed as confidence and self-assurance, and at its worst, the trait can be perceived as narcissism.

More often than not, a sense of entitlement manifests in various common forms. According to A Conscious Re-Thinker, the most frequent displays of negative entitlement include the inability to compromise with others, impractical demands, an attitude of supremacy, habitual anger towards people, and self-pity. Granted, all people have a sense of entitlement, to some degree, but when extreme or regular manifestations take place, it then becomes highly problematic.

Countless people have questioned the psychological roots of the dreaded sense of entitlement. Why do certain people believe they deserve admiration, respect, dominance, etc. when they have not truly earned it? What caused this? Is it an inherent trait or a characteristic that one picks up over time?

Psychology Today states that a sense of entitlement can manifest as an offshoot of experiencing maltreatment or being treated with contempt by other people. Essentially, the sense of entitlement becomes a coping method, only taken to the extreme. For instance, someone whose childhood lacked the same toys, games, and clothes of their more fortunate counterparts may grow up with a sense of entitlement. Rooted in resentment, the person who missed out on a plentiful childhood may believe that he or she deserves to have the finer things in life or deserves to be treated as special. Although missing out on certain childhood experiences is unfortunate, the overcompensation can be equally as damaging to their individual, if not more.

Persons who suffer from a sense of entitlement also tend to see their peers and other people around them as competition and struggle to compromise or reach negotiate on mutually beneficial agreements. A sense of entitlement is the epitome of the "Me! Me! Me!" attitude where the world is supposed to revolve around the person and what they want. However, this is not how life works. Ultimately, the individual with a sense of entitlement takes, yet rarely gives, prioritizes themselves over others at virtually all times, and fancy themselves as superior to others (Khan, 2019).

Be it bad parenting, acculturation, mental disorder or traumatic childhood, we still adhere to the belief the RESPECT begets respect. We might have a good sense of self-image yet we must know that others deserve to be treated well… As much as we want to be treaded fairly.

Display

Bagan masawaing na! This was the comment given by someone who confronted high school lovers who performed PDA (Public Display of Affection) to the dismay of the older generation. Some of the couple’s companions tried to ignore the deed allowing the thing to be some sort of the norm among their group.

First, let’s address the definition: According to Verity Hogan, a PDA, or public display of affection, is the term used to describe any form of physical contact between couples in a public setting. It includes everything from kissing and cuddling to holding hands or exchanging light touches.

Falling in love is wonderful, and when it happens, you may want the world to know. Holding hands and exchanging loving glances will draw a happy sigh from those who witness these sweet signs of affection. However, being too affectionate in public shows a lack of general etiquette skills. When you and your main squeeze make out in front of other people, they are likely to feel extremely uncomfortable.

Mayne (2019), mentions that public displays of affection, also known as PDAs, may elicit a wide range of reactions from people around you. Some of the factors for tolerance include age, social norms, and customs. If you're not sure whether or not an action is okay in any social setting, you should probably hold off until you are in a more private situation. Wouldn't it be nicer to have people rooting for you rather than being embarrassed and running from you?

This phenomenon is already happening in public schools. Aside from the alarming rate of adolescent pregnancy, young lovers are displaying their intimacy as if it is the normal thing to take place in such settings. They sometimes get offended when authorities tell them to behave and will then give retorts as if the universe is aligned to their unacceptable actions.

PDA is often considered a public profession of how two people feel about one another. Schools typically see this type of behavior as a distraction and inappropriate for a school setting. Most schools have policies that forbid this type of issue on campus or at school-related functions. Schools typically have a zero-tolerance stance on PDA because they recognize that even innocent displays of affection can turn into something more.

Being overly affectionate can be offensive to many people, though a couple caught up in the moment may not be aware that their actions are offensive. Because of this, schools must educate their students on the issue. Respect is a critical component of character-education programs in schools everywhere. Students who regularly engage in acts of PDA are disrespecting their peers by subjecting them to witnessing their affection. This should be brought to the attention of the over-affectionate couple who were probably too caught up in the moment to consider others who were around them (Meador, 2019).

University of Kansas researchers asked 349 primarily straight college students, ages 17-35, about their engagement in PDA and the reasons behind it.The number one reason people showed PDA was "to enhance their image or status by proving they were capable of making out with a particular person." Others wanted to broadcast their love to the world, some were doing it for the thrill of breaking a taboo, and a few didn't really care where they were—they just wanted to make out and happened to be out in the open.

Psychologists offer a range of explanations for such reactions. In very simple terms, Dr. Charles T. Hill noted that public displays of affection force people to become an unwilling audience. And that, he said, is discomforting.

Acculturation is also a big factor. Filipinos open its doors to multiple cultures and with the advent of the social media, they are exposed to different presentations of affections through the internet. Some copy what they see.

Still, one thing is certain, we still have our own identity and the moral fiber of our culture put a lot of premium on decency. We expect people to do simple favors, exchange pleasantries, show mercy, express gratitude, and volunteer for tasks because it is just common decency—though not morally obligatory—to do so. But we also criticize those who refuse to “elect” commonly decent “moral gifts.”

Being “different” for the sake of it all is irresponsible. We must still conform to the societal norms since we belong to a society which is strongly anchoring itself to such norms. We could break the rules sometimes but we must adhere to the attainment of the common good.

In the end, it is only the good memories of us that count. The bad ones must be our struggles NOT to commit.

Dust

I close my eyes, only for a moment, and the moment's gone… All my dreams pass before my eyes, a curiosity…Dust in the wind…All they are is dust in the wind… (Kansas)

It was like heaven, the inside of a taxi embraced you with the cold arms of the air-conditioning system. You surrendered to the cushioned seat and Kansas then started reminding you of your mortality. The worldly comforts of the seat and the waft of coldness vanished as you succumbed to introspection.

You remembered the ideal state you dreamed about. The sojourns to the places you fancy; the stories those strangers give when they whisper to your willing ears…The clothes and exotic food served before you matched with aperitif and godly desserts. You thought these were the meaningful stuff… But you were wrong. Life served you with the harshness of reality.

You realized that NOT all you want will turn into reality. The dreams shatter into pieces as you get bombarded with the selfish forces of the people surrounding you. Even how courageous you can be, there are those who are in power who will crush you. The envious ones also kill your spirit. They smear your hope with something pungent from their own deficits. You are left with nothing but the bitter taste of your fantasies…

Same old song, just a drop of water in an endless sea…All we do crumbles to the ground though we refuse to see…Dust in the wind…All we are is dust in the wind…

Then, you wanted to connect. You craved for the affection and affirmation of someone who can COMPLETE you. Lovers came and go. The gap inside continued to eat you up. It even created a chasm leading to an abyss. You then realized that the songs they are singing play the same beat. You ventured on different genre but failed to find the music which could quench the thirst of your existential angsts.

You then realize that you failed to journey within your own self. The loneliness and emptiness that you feel are by-products of the vague understanding of the person cringing inside.

Whatever the world brings, whoever is there, you will always feel empty since you do not know what you are craving for.

Now don't hang on…Nothing lasts forever but the earth and sky…It slips away…And all your money won't another minute buy…

You attached yourself to the titles you can get. You competed for the accolade and recognition. But you feel that such things are still lacking. There is an unending craving for being on the top. You absent-mindlessly brushed aside the groans of pain of those you stepped on. What is important is the recognition, not those human beings around you. They are just pawns on your own battle.

But the trophies could not embrace you. Your titles could not comfort you when you get sick. The commendations won’t materialize into words of comfort once you will be pained. The things you desire most are simply…THINGS! Unfeeling, uncaring…

Dust in the wind… All we are is dust in the wind…

So what must you do to find the gold amidst the impending “dustiness”? Emily Esfahani Smith mentions in “The Power of Meaning” the following:

Belonging. When we are understood, recognized, and affirmed by friends, family members, partners, colleagues, and even strangers, we feel we belong to a community. Results from some studies—as well as end-of-life conversations—indicate that many people count their relationships as the most meaningful part of their lives, even when those relationships are difficult or strained… We then see the people around us as more important than things and recognition.

Purpose. When we have long-term goals in life that reflect our values and serve the greater good, we tend to imbue our activities with more meaning. Selfishness is confronted for the COMMON GOOD.

Transcendence. Experiences that fill us with awe or wonder—ones in which “we feel we have risen above the everyday world to experience a higher reality,” according to Smith—can decrease our self-focus and lead us to engage in more generous, helpful behavior. It may seem counter intuitive in some ways; but the diminishing of our own self-importance can induce a sense of meaning.

These, you see, might be effective. Living a life focused on competing with others could resort to nonsensical existence. The SELF is preserved for OTHERS. We need to see the importance of such thoughts since…

Everything is dust in the wind.

(photo: poesypluspolemics.com)

Stabbed

Kasakit na kamatajon! These words still reverberate in our midst as we try to move on from the brutal death of a teacher and her two children as they got stabbed to death by allegedly the husband. The family man ran amok after episodes of depression and mental instability which resulted to the painful demise of his family and eventually himself.

Violence against women (VAW) appears as one of the country’s pervasive social problems. According to the 2008 National Demographic and Health Survey conducted by the National Statistics Office, one in five Filipino women age 15-49 has experienced physical violence since age 15. It is indeed alarming that despite efforts to address the concern, VAW persists.

VAW is deemed to be closely linked with the unequal power relationship between women and men otherwise known as “gender-based violence.” Societal norms and traditions dictate people to think men are the leaders, pursuers, providers, and take on dominant roles in society while women are nurturers, men’s companions and supporters, and take on subordinate roles in society. This perception leads to men gaining more power over women. With power comes the need to control to retain that power. And VAW is a form of men’s expression of controlling women to retain power (osg.gov.ph).

When power is going to be muddled with psychological imbalance, violence comes in. That is why a lot of people are advocating mental health since manifestations of violence, untimely death and violence to children have become pervasive in the country. Also, chemical imbalance induced by drug intake is another cause of the rage and outbursts among the people these days.

UNICEF mentions that according to the 2015 National Baseline Survey on Violence Against Children in the Philippines, there is a high prevalence of physical, psychological, sexual and online violence committed on Filipino children. Eighty per cent of Filipino children have experienced some form of violence at home, in school, in their community and online. These are often committed by people they trust. Despite the high incidence of violence, 7 in 10 children are not aware of services that may be able to help them.

One could ask: Why do people inflict pain on the people they vowed to love and protect? If these are coming from the cultural implications that fathers are the ones to “straighten” the paths of his family, will violence be acceptable? What evils lurk behind the facade of such family men?

Aggression and violence in adults are results of violent experiences from childhood. Parents who give corporal punishments to their children oftentimes produce violent adults in the future. The cycle will then continue. Aggressive children often turn into violent adults, according to research from Concordia University that monitored local kids from grade 1 through to adulthood.

Legislation and laws are present in the Philippines. In section 2 of R.A. 9262: towards this end, the State shall exert efforts to address violence committed against women and children in keeping with the fundamental freedoms guaranteed under the Constitution and the Provisions of the Universal Declaration of Human Rights, the convention on the Elimination of all forms of discrimination Against Women, Convention on the Rights of the Child and other international human rights instruments of which the Philippines is a party.

In the study conducted by this writer. The Implementation of Anti-Violence Against Women and Their Children Act in the Secondary Schools of CarCanMadCarLan area, Surigao del Sur, it was found out that the schools only implement the law SOMETIMES specifically focusing on physical violence. Lack of training of the law is mentioned as the main culprit.

Aside from the massive campaign for anti-drugs and mental health, there is a need for the people to understand Gender and Development issues so to eliminate gender-based violence. Also, a concerted effort among the local governments and the academe to orient people about legislation and laws like RA 9262 (Anti-Violence Against Women and their Children) must be done.

We do not want evil to thrive among us. The society could not just allow things like a family massacre to prevail. We need to act together. Violence must be stopped. Domestic aggression is no longer a private thing. It is now a crime against society. We report things similar to battery of women. We muddle with parents who are abusive to their children. Or, as concerned citizen, we can report these episodes to authorities.

Let us not just grieve. Let us take action!

Cortisol

Stressed ako pirme! This could be heard in the workplace and these complaints are always directed to the workload and the people around those who are edging towards burnout. One could wonder why there are people who could do away with the so-called stress gracefully. It seems that they understand how to deal with the pressures and see the way out of its negative effects to the emotions, body and the entire well-being.

Psychology Today mentions that stress generally refers to two things: the psychological perception of pressure, on the one hand, and the body's response to it, on the other, which involves multiple systems, from metabolism to muscles to memory.

A stressful event—whether an external phenomenon like the sudden appearance of a snake on the path or an internal event like fear of losing one's job when the boss yells—triggers a cascade of hormones, including adrenaline and cortisol, that surge through the entire body, speeding heartbeat and the circulation of blood to support quick action, mobilizing fat and sugar for fast energy, focusing attention to track the danger, preparing muscles for movement, and more.

Over the last few years, this is mentioned by people who have responsibilities and relationships to the point that one will wonder how to manage and prevent stress from overcoming one’s equilibrium.

If you’re living with high levels of stress, you’re putting your entire well-being at risk. Stress wreaks havoc on your emotional status, as well as your physical health. It narrows your ability to think clearly, function effectively, and enjoy life.

Effective stress management, on the other hand, helps you break the hold stress has on your life, so you can be happier, healthier, and more productive. The ultimate goal is a balanced life, with time for work, relationships, relaxation, and fun—and the resilience to hold up under pressure and meet challenges head on. But stress management is not one-size-fits-all (Robinson, 2019).

There are those of us who feed on it. Others consider this as a gauge of being effective. They overwork themselves to show that they are functional individuals. They even consider people who find time unwinding and enjoying their weekends as inefficient.

At first, the term “Savior Complex” may have a positive connotation. However, when you learn more about it and the underlying motivations and impact on others, it is clear that this behavior pattern can be problematic (Benton, 2017).

According to the blog PeopleSkillsDecoded.com, the savior complex can be best defined as “A psychological construct which makes a person feel the need to save other people. This person has a strong tendency to seek people who desperately need help and to assist them, often sacrificing their own needs for these people.” They also work all the time to save the company, organization or...the world.

But then again, you cannot really change other people. You can only change your attitude towards them. If they do stuff which may shatter your footing, you are the one to allow yourself to be bothered. You are allowing cortisol to develop inside your system. But if you decide NOT to let others take away your peace, all would be well.

The Second of The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz is “Don’t Take Anything Personally.” This book chapter and the following quote teaches key concepts that may provide helpful guidance for those struggling with savior complex tendencies:

“You are never responsible for the actions of others; you are only responsible for your own.”

People who seek out power or find themselves unexpectedly in positions of power often develop such ideas about themselves; after all, their employees, citizens or dependents count on the leader’s competence, permission, wisdom, generosity etc. to survive. In the sense of power “going to someone’s head”, it can definitely twist up someone’s perspective of the world. This state of being is often linked to having delusions of grandeur, but it is not technically a diagnosable psychological disorder (Staughton, 2017).

The direction of this discourse is for us to realize that we cannot control everything or everybody. Some might agree with us or others might not be aligned to our beliefs. By having this mindset, we can avoid stress or be exposed to stressful situations which can be counterproductive.

It is a fact of life that THINGS HAPPEN. We do not have all the control over them.

In the end, we must not be enslaved by work. We must find meaning from the work we do and maintain our well-being, God even rested on the seventh day…

Famished

Waya makuntento? This was asked by someone who tried to understand an acquaintance who is having multiple affairs even if the person is already married. The discussion segued to human nature. There is some sort of hunger one will have when something is deprived of him/her. There was even a warning given by experts not to be in a grocery store when one is hungry. Chances are, you will buy unnecessary things without thinking properly. The compulsion is driven by the hunger…reason and even moral sieving will be NOT present.

Hunger is a powerful emotion, which is both exploitative and destructive to others when it is acted out. People identify this feeling with love and mistakenly associate these longings with genuine affection. Nothing could be further from the truth.

According to Firestone (2009), feelings of emotional hunger are deep and are like a dull but powerful aching in your insides. You may often find yourself reaching out and touching others or expressing affection and loving movements in order to attempt to kill off this aching sensation. People often give physical affection and attention when they feel the most need for it themselves.

Psychologists say that such hunger is a strong emotional need caused by deprivation in childhood. It is a primitive condition of pain and longing which people often act out in a desperate attempt to fill a void or emptiness. This emptiness is related to the pain of aloneness and separateness and can never realistically be fully satisfied in an adult relationship.

What about those who continuously crave for accomplishment and recognition? Why is it so difficult for them to be contented? What kind of hunger is this?

While all humans need affirmation from others, different people have different sorts of recognition hunger. Some are so internally weak, they need constant validation and applause. They seek publicity for themselves. They want to be noticed, and they ache when they are not noticed. The hungrier they are for recognition, the weaker they are within themselves. They don’t think their life matters unless they receive constant attention, however superficial or ephemeral. It may seem odd, but it is often very true, that the most “popular” and “powerful” people are also the most lonely and insecure people (Rabbi Marc Angel, 2018).

People with excessive recognition hunger are so worried about their own egos, that they are callous when it comes to caring about others. They want praise aimed at themselves; they are self-centered and self-serving. They will step on anyone and do almost anything in order to advance themselves and gain more recognition (Transactional Analysis, Berne).

It is a human need to be recognized. It has been a subject of multiple discussions anchored on Maslow’s theory of motivation. But there is always a time to reach the point of being self-actualized. During adulthood it could be queer when one is constantly craving for attention and recognition if he/she already has a handful of them. The hunger must be checked by the individual so that he or she must level up to being actualized and could now SERVE. The person will then become a worker FOR others (i.e. the family, community and others).

Theo Tsaousides, Ph.D (2018) mentions that a periodic assessment of your life satisfaction provides you with a mirror on which you can reflect your accomplishments, your desires, and your unfulfilled needs all at once. It provides a global picture of your progress in life in relation to your own expectations, and it becomes a good starting point to begin exploring in more depth what contributes to the quality of your life and what is taking away from it.

Confronting the “hungers” (which Eric Berne identified as Stimulus, Recognition, Contact, Sexual, Time Structure and Incident) is a personal journey. It has been mentioned many times that a person must journey from the Self to the Self so to be able to understand himself/herself better. Once the person conquers such hungers, the main function (that is to serve the self and others) could now be attained.

Martin Luther King aptly said it: “This life, therefore, is not godliness but the process of becoming godly, not health but getting well, not being but becoming, not rest but exercise. We are not now what we shall be, but we are on the way. The process is not yet finished, but it is actively going on. This is not the goal but it is the right road. At present, everything does not gleam and sparkle, but everything is being cleansed.”

Climbing

Kinahanglan mosikat!  There are those around us who claim the glory or credit of what we work or do. These persons are usually hungry for recognition to the point that they will claim which is basically NOT theirs. This often create tension and conflict in the group or organization since credit must be given where it is due.

You often come across people who credit themselves for other people’s achievements instead of making their own. They claim other people’s triumphs as their own and take advantage of the applause they receive from unknowing spectators. They think that nobody will find out their secret and feed off of the blind recognition they receive.

There are also people who lie about their identities as a way to extol how important and valuable they are. They tell constant, continuous lies and invent a life for themselves that they wish they had, or they exaggerate their achievements to make them seem more important than they are. For some, anything goes in this game, where they seek to quench their thirst for recognition (exploringyourmind.com).

This is the time when the person must be aware of his/her motivations since the NEED to be recognized overpowers what is GOOD. The hunger is now intense to the point that he/she does not mind societal norms as long as the need must be met. But as the constant discourse expands, this goes back to deficits during childhood.

As children, hopefully we get lots of recognition, praise, and support, assuming we have decent attentive parents. Not everyone does, but most do. Either way, as we grow into adult years, we get less and less, and maybe no valuing recognition depending on how supportive our relationships are. Once we are working, maybe we get a performance review once per year. Very often it is focused on areas we can improve, and not to celebrate our accomplishments and achievements (Warmerdam, 2018).

There are times when a mere observer wonders what drives a person to be highly-competitive to the point that he/she steps on the necks of others. This person (if he/she leads a group) does not mind if others are already suffering or being drained out as long as the goal to WIN or be recognized must be met. This is quiet dangerous since the leader might be unreflective. Introspection is needed so that the common good will be ventured.

A powerful, authentic leader does not need recognition to feel good. They know that their skills, approaches and leadership are making a difference. They get on with the job, leaving self-consciousness behind, negating the need for others to confirm how great they are. Sadly most of our leaders are not driven by their own expressions of humility but rather by their egos. The pursuit of financial reward and career status to demonstrate individual success is a self-assurance strategy. Just as control freaks write lists upon lists and have the complete inability to delegate, egotistical leaders begin to arrogantly believe that they deserve recognition and a clear and successful career path (Villani, 2013).

Individuals who are also competitive resort to pulling others down and highly critical on the achievements of others. These people will spread vile rumors and often destroy the reputation of those who are achieving. They could not reach the point of appreciation since their need overpowers the normal reaction of recognizing the achievements of others. They even see these people as threats to their own stability.

But they could never be stabilized since there is an unstable urge to be on top. There is an unquenched thirst to be addressed. That is the reason why signs and symptoms of being irritable and moody arise. Such mood often radiates and could affect relationships…

According to Hamm (2009), the painful truth, though, is that such recognition is fleeting. After the impressed people have gone away and your big purchase is forgotten about, you’re left with some big bills and a budget that’s being stretched to its limit to cover it. The recognition is over but you’re still hungry for it.

It is limiting to be enslaved in that need. There are better things to do in life with the people you love and there are still experiences to venture. It is good to be recognized by your efforts but to constantly hunger for it is another story.

 Let others shine as well.