Humbug

Hawod. They are always right. They do not welcome suggestions. It is as if they are gifted by the universe with this capacity to rule over. In small groups, the other members will just keep quiet so that no fuss would materialize. These people are the loud and opinionated to the point that they would lash out comments to you once you air out your own opinion about the topic at hand. It is like traversing a one-way road.

An opinionated person, according to Goulston (2010) is one who speaks as if their opinions are facts rather than mere beliefs.  Being opinionated is incompatible with other people having different opinions. Dr. Nicola Davies continued that while some people like to debate ideas and opinions, others argue out of habit: – they can’t help themselves, and will make a fuss about the most trivial things, just to cause conflict. This can drive those around them up the wall because they are almost always on the defensive, even about what might seem like the most insignificant things.

In a social encounter, it is but normal to have interaction with others. We do not fail to understand that people have differing opinions and ideas on certain things. We hold on to our convictions and so are they! It is very good to have your own beliefs and ideas on certain things but it is alarming when you insist that others would believe what you think is right. It is like insisting that the most beautiful color is blue to a person who loves pink! You could discuss on the benefits of wearing blue but you should not tell the pink-lover to change his/her mind.

Linda Emma of the Bump said: What makes someone who is opinionated annoying to many isn’t that they share their opinions, but that they believe everyone else should share the same view. This egocentric philosophy can be particularly disconcerting if they are so close-minded as to deem other’s opinions and values as unworthy. If you find yourself fuming at what someone is saying, don’t do so in silence. Instead, speak up and offer another viewpoint.

As a facilitator of development programs, this writer encounters a lot of people who dominate discussions. We were being taught how to “traffic” ideas and opinions but there are personalities who could be so difficult they cause annoyance to the learning process. It is as if they are more knowledgeable than the person “on board” to the point that they underscore their ideas as brilliant ones!

When we meet these types of people, first that would come to mind is having an antisocial personality disorder. Dr. Steve Bressert said that Individuals with antisocial personality disorder frequently lack empathy and tend to be callous, cynical, and contemptuous of the feelings, rights, and sufferings of others. They may have an inflated and arrogant self-appraisal (e.g., feel that ordinary work is beneath them or lack a realistic concern about their current problems or their future) and may be excessively opinionated, self-assured, or cocky. They may display a glib, superficial charm and can be quite voluble and verbally facile (e.g., using technical terms or jargon that might impress someone who is unfamiliar with the topic).

The mayoclinic.org mentioned that personality is the combination of thoughts, emotions and behaviors that makes everyone unique. It's the way people view, understand and relate to the outside world, as well as how they see themselves. Personality forms during childhood, shaped through an interaction of inherited tendencies and environmental factors.

Ergo: nature and nurture.

We do not have the license to help them since they may have a clinical condition. To retain our peace, the best thing that we could do is stop affiliating with them. They might influence our thought patterns and attitudes. We are responsible for our mental health that is the main reason that we CHOOSE to stay away from their paths. If they are our friends and members of the family, we could support them by bringing them to the doctor. Yet, if they insist they are WELL and BETTER THAN US, (if they are adults) let them be. Again, one’s health is his or her own lookout.

The Mayo Clinic staff continues: There's no sure way to prevent antisocial personality disorder from developing in those at risk. Because antisocial behavior is thought to have its roots in childhood, parents, teachers and pediatricians may be able to spot early warning signs. It may help to try to identify those most at risk, such as children who show signs of conduct disorder, and then offer early intervention.

Early, effective and appropriate discipline, lessons in behavior modification, social and problem-solving skills, parent training, family therapy, and psychotherapy may help reduce the chance that at-risk children go on to become adults with antisocial personality disorder.

But once these people reach adulthood, we be aware of them!

Finesse

Sosyal! This is often tagged to people who dress up well and move with grace. We see them as those whose hair are straightened or applied with dye to the point that they look different: expensive. There are also those who package themselves as if they are products to be consumed and they need to cope with the latest trend in clothing and skin care. They are the ones who could make us take a second look. These could be their crutch, their source of confidence.

Only 4% of women around the world consider themselves beautiful, and anxiety about appearance begins at an early age. Six out of ten girls are so concerned with the way they look, that they actually opt out of participating fully in daily life – from going swimming and playing sports, to visiting the doctor, going to school or even just offering their opinions (www.dove.com)

This is one of the many reasons why people use cosmetics, signature clothes and dowse themselves with cologne to have that security blanket around them. These chemicals and materials allow them to feel beautiful and confident.

Like a uniform, our possession of specific objects and brands can also signal our membership of social groups, both to others and to ourselves (Jarret, 2013). That is the reason why those who want to belong to the “higher” level of society tend to surround themselves with material things which would underscore their status.

There are people who are born with the silver spoon. Their genes dictate the way the move and their skin signals their innate breeding. According to Macdowall (2013), modern manners, codes of behavior, decorum and rules of etiquette matter in every culture and society – they illuminate and respect the human experience. Observing manners when out and about in society is, and should be ‘cool’, even in a casual setting. And these things are learned by these people from their family and throughout their growth.

So why do we have persons who package themselves as SOSYAL yet their manners are like stinking mud from the sewer? They sometimes annoy us since they criticize on the way we dress up and the way we opt NOT to wear makeup and loud clothes. They are the social climbers.

Based on Urban Dictionary, a social climber, which is also the synonym of an “attention whore,” is anyone who becomes friends with someone else if they have something that they want or need. Social climbers will value human relationships based on popularity and status as those two things are their primary needs.

They never see any depth and intimacy upon their friendship as they will only become friends with the people who “know people.” More often than not, social climbers feature characteristics including ambitious, competitive, and high-achiever as their one and only goal is to “get to the top.” These people will never feel satisfied if there is someone else who holds a “higher-status” than them (Noormega, 2018).

The article continued that lifestyle and identity crisis might also be the reasons for the emerging social climbers in our society. In this world, which is rapidly changing in terms of technology and social media, everyone wants to be recognized.

There is nothing wrong to aim for beauty and social recognition. Most of us work to attain some level of respect and recognition from the society we belong. That is the reason why we get hurt when we are neglected and rejected. Yet, we could be noticed by others when we bloom where we are planted. It is our own efforts and breadth when we could put our marks. No need to shout and be loud through our clothing and movements. No need to use others to be able to be recognized.

Self-control and the development of self-image is needed by each one of us. It is in these things when we become functional rather than the opposite. We have to rely on our own strengths not depending on crutches and delusions of grandeur.

Also, isn’t it annoying to see Channel on your shirt when in fact it’s Chanel?

Waif

Gamhanan! We have them in our offices. They have this sense of entitlement that they have the power over you or your companions. They see themselves as the force behind the organization. Funny thing is that they are actually NOT the boss but a secondary character in the organization. They might be a head of the office but oftentimes, they forget that they are not the ONE. These people are called informal leaders because they have that sense of POWER with their positions.

The word power derives from the Latin word potere, meaning to be able. Although the etymology of the word locates it in the person, power is a relational concept and is dependent upon a person's perceptions of his or her levels of control relative to another's [Dahl 1957 (2007), Parsons 1963]. Power results from a negotiation of a shared reality and often involves the creation of shared meanings, ideologies, and identities (Haslam et al. 2010, Hogg 2001, Parsons 1963).

Power seekers who are after personal power have a strong desire to control others or cause them to behave in a way that is consistent with the power seeker's wishes. This is actually caused by a strong sense to satisfy a need to rule over. Chances are, these people were deprived of the sense of control for a period of time causing them to regain their balance by imposing power over others.

Past research found that environmental uncertainty leads people to behave differently depending on their childhood environment. For example, economic uncertainty leads people from poor childhoods to become more impulsive while leading people from wealthy childhoods to become less impulsive (Mittal, 2014).

This could be the case of those who are called “hungry” for power. Their control needs were deprived of them during their childhood to the point that such hunger consumes them as they merge themselves with others even into adulthood. Their social behavior and etiquette would be clouded over by such hunger to the point that they do not mind whether they have hurt others or not. Like hungry animals in the dessert, they do whatever they can so to satisfy that hunger…or their sense of purpose will tip over. Especially when they feel that they are not in control.

Celebrated author Robert Fulghum aptly said: I know what I really want for Christmas. I want my childhood back. Nobody is going to give me that… I know it doesn’t make sense; but since when is Christmas about sense, anyway? It is about a child of long ago and far away, and it is about the child of now. In you and in me. Waiting behind the door of our hearts for something wonderful to happen.

So, hiding behind the facade of strength and power of those leaders of ours are scared little children. They are projecting an aura of control and anger for us not to see their weakness. They belittle us because they are afraid we will know how UGLY they feel about themselves. They let us feel bad because for them, it is unfair to see us happy even if they feel BETTER and RICHER than us. They scream, they gossip and laugh at our misfortunes but in truth, they are more pitiful than we are. They are writhing in loneliness and nursing on their past aches of being UNLOVED. Maybe, they are victims of abusive parents and horrible economic status that they tried hard not be unloved and hungry again.

But why is it that there are people whose childhood were undesirable yet they turn out to be loving, emphatic and humble people?

Recovery from childhood trauma involves owning the experiences we have disowned. It includes owning parts of ourselves that we continue to want to push away. This is a painful process because it means that we will need to embrace painful realities. Everything in us (and often around us) tells us that this is not the right path to take. But it is always truth, no matter how painful, that frees us. Embracing our life experiences and their ongoing impact on us is the path to freedom and wholeness (Ryan, 2018).

This discourse cuts both ways. It is about nursing the child in us and nurturing our children. Since it is been scientifically proven that childhood trauma could awaken the evil in us, we must not fail to be generous with love, affection and the sense of feeling secure to the young ones. They will be the future parents and it is a scary scenario for them to neglect their future children because they themselves are helpless little kids inside.

We let the power-grabbers be. They are responsible for their own anger and inadequacies. They could blame their parents for making them who they are, for all we care!  While we continue to nourish ourselves with positive thoughts and be generous with love and respect.

If they scream at you, if they belittle you…they are actually reliving their pitiful and wounded childhood.

 waif

Avarice

Hakog. This is a Visayan term for being selfish or someone who does not have the capacity to share. When we were still young, the elders taught us to share our candy and even toys to others. The intention of the adults is for us to develop the sense of generosity since they see our friends and neighbors as extended family members. But there were instances that we kept our food to ourselves even if the other kids are drooling to taste some of it. Child and Psychotherapist Joseph Sacks mentioned that children are normally selfish because they are engaged in the fundamental business of creating their very selves. A child is supposed to be a receiver.

But what is the reason why there are adults who turn out to be selfish individuals? Why do some people give to others while some never do it? Is selfishness a by-product of skewed self-love?

According to Radwan (2018), selfishness is a sign of weakness. The selfish person fears to give some of his/her time, money or effort to others because he/she is afraid of the consequences that might happen on making such a sacrifice. The person who is always busy and who never gives few minutes of his time to the people in need is actually afraid of wasting his/her time believing that he or she has no control over his/her life.

We hear of parents having bad feelings towards their children since the latter do not have time to visit them anymore. Their reason is always that of being busy. We also hear of siblings’ misunderstanding about the money to be spent for the parents’ medicine and even food. The generous ones will oftentimes keep their quiet and continue to give while the selfish beings have their justifications.

Recent research indicates no decisive conclusion regarding whether humans are “fundamentally generous or greedy and whether these tendencies are shaped by our genes or environment.” (Robison, M; 2014). Studies seem to indicate we are both, and the reasons are genetic, evolutionary, and environmental.

We might cling to the belief that selfish (or clannish) people come from selfish families. But there are those who turn out to be generous even if their parents are infamous of their greed. Parents might also monitor the exposure of their children to their friends since they could acquire the negative traits of the group which will later be developed in adulthood. Still, people who aim for transcendence could look back and realize the faults and failures they have done in terms of being self-centered. They usually evolve to become better individuals.

But then it stems down to being self-evaluative or being self-righteous. Since we have the tendency to have that animalistic side of having everything for our own wants, we could reflect on the value of sharing things than hoarding them. We need to understand that things of no use are USELESS. Our self-righteousness must also be monitored since it might lead to being mentally and morally unhealthy.

The assumption that selfishness is the fundamental human motivation rests on the view that selfishness is beneficial, whereas otherishness is costly; people are selfish because they benefit from selfishness. In some ways, this is obviously true; people who give their money or time to others have less money or time for themselves, and people who selfishly hoard their money or protect their time tend to have more money or time for themselves. Money, time, and other tangible things tend to be finite resources and therefore often work in zero-sum ways—the more one gives to others, the less one has for oneself. (Crocker, et.al, 2017)

But many social goods that people give to and take from others are not so clearly finite resources that can be exhausted if spent or accumulated if saved. Emotional support and acts of kindness, for example, may cost no money and need not take much time.

It is a conscious effort for us to give our time, talent and treasures to others. We might see this as nonsense for we deserve what we have since we work for them. But our presence in this world is not just to EXIST, We are here to LIVE and our lives must be meaningful. The love, affection and respect could be shown by us to others through sharing food and things which could lift up the spirit of others. Life is a continuum of bondage and caring.

In the end, we will become a distant memory. If our memories allow the persons we left behind to smile, our legacy of having lived a generous and meaningful life is infinite.

Hubris

Mahangin. This is a colloquial term given to people whose self-confidence is so strong it is similar to being near a low pressure area. In Physics, when the pressure is low, speed of air is fast. This could cause trees and other things be toppled down. Self-confidence is the key to success, of course! But, too much of it could be annoying and unhealthy.

In one review of earlier studies on self-esteem, researchers found that high self-confidence could sometimes have undesirable consequences. People with high self-esteem also tended to have worse relationships because they blamed their partners for any problems with the relationship. High self-esteem was also linked a higher frequency of violent and aggressive behaviors (Cherry, 2018).

In social encounters, there is really a balance of giving information about yourself and achievements and keeping professional silence if the information is not needed. Yet these loud people often display themselves as if they are the entitled individuals to do so while we (the lesser beings) ogle at their feigned “greatness”.

Maslow clearly stated that we all have needs. The lower version of esteem is the need for respect from others. This may include a need for status, recognition, fame, prestige, and attention. The higher version manifests itself as the need for self-respect. Ergo, it is human nature to feel the need to be recognized.

Yet this might fall into a mental health issue once again. According to scientificamerican.com, new research suggests that nearly everyone will develop a psychological disorder at some point in their lives, but for most it’s temporary. But those who would hold on to such delusions and be held by the collar of their unmet needs might fall into the trap of being mentally ill.

So what then are these people who manifest hubris? Are they ill? Of course, we often get sick of their ways to the point that we want to get out of their zones to feel fresh air rather than die with their stink. Were they deprived of recognition when they were still young to the point that they want to fill in such need now that they have the power and the capacity? The answer could be yes. It has been researched many times and results stem down to childhood trauma.

Experiencing severe deprivation and neglect in childhood can have a lasting psychological impact into early adulthood, according to a study conducted at the University of Southampton, which has followed the mental health of a group of children adopted from Romanian institutions to UK families in the 1990s.

It is in this anchorage that psychologists view hubristic behavior as a counter-mechanism to cope on the traumatic experiences during childhood which grew to become a strong need to cope. Owen and Davidson (2009) said that Hubris syndrome is seen as an acquired condition, and therefore different from most personality disorders which are traditionally seen as persistent throughout adulthood. This is seen as a disorder of the possession of power, particularly power which has associated with overwhelming success.

In this times when we direly need cohesion and co-existence rather than division, it is but practical to view ourselves in the middle of the communities where we belong and scrutinize our contributions. It could be fair to lean on our strengths but to make this to make others feel inferior could be counterproductive. But the alarming thing is if we are the cause of turmoil and confusion due to the uncontrolled quirks blown out proportion. We might be thinking that we are the BEST among others yet they see us as pitifully SICK!

So, what then? It is now going back to journeying to the inner self. It is the ability to ask yourself: Am I being a tropical depression or a super typhoon in terms of presenting myself to others? If so, how can I make myself breeze into the lives of others like summer rain?

Cuckoo

During the eighties, being star-struck has a different reaction. The shriek is there and the religious awe of having the O-shaped mouth and the screaming were present as well. But the fans’ urge was to hug the star and try to plant a kiss or two on the personality. For months, the experience will be relived through the staccato delivery of the event to friends and acquaintances.

Today, the fans still scream and shriek shrilly. But the main goal is to get a selfie with the star so that they could post the pictures on the social media sites to be ogled by real-life and virtual friends.

Again, the question could be raised: is the picture more important than the experience? Is there a need to take a picture with famous personalities so that such fame could be experienced by the person once he/she posts the pictures on Facebook and other sites?

Social media have introduced a contemporary shift from broadcast to participatory media, through which content can now be produced, manipulated, and distributed by everyone with internet access (Jenkins, 2006). Because of this fact, anyone could now be a model, an actor or a singer in their own ways since there are platforms where they could upload their own versions of being a model, actor, musician, etc.

Humans have long demonstrated an interest in self-exploration. From early Greeks to present day, people have used self-study and self-observation to explore identity and sense of self. Trying to figure out who we are and what we’re about is a distinctly human pursuit for almost everyone (Ruthledge, 2013).

To date, discourses about the cultural meanings of selfies have tended to extremes. For understandable reason, marketers deploy selfies as an indicator that one is young, fun, and connected. Yet in news stories, it is almost impossible to encounter a discussion of selfies that does not dabble in discourses of pathology. Each month or so, a news article appears linking taking selfies to harmful mental states such as narcissism (Nauert, 2015), body dysmorphia (McKay, 2014), or even psychosis (Gregoire, 2015).

Lately, there seems to be an alarming data on people taking their own lives. Suicide cuts across culture and social status to the point that there seems to be a trend on be a collective concern on mental health. Depression is of course a serious matter but it is only one of the many illnesses of the mind. So, discussions on mental health must not be limited to being depressed. What about people with delusions of grandeur? What about those who have insecurities even if they are already adults? What about those who wallow in envy and those who thrive on anger all the time?

A strong relationship has been found between selfie addiction and various mental health issues like poor self-esteem, narcissism, loneliness and depression. Addiction with selfie in youth, especially teenagers and mental health issues are on the rise as many psychiatrists are seeing number of parents coming with the same complaint. Therefore, it is right time to sensitize parents, teachers and educators about the alarming increase in selfie addiction and its deteriorating impact on mental health of adolescents (Kaur & Vig, 2016).

It stems back to the journey within the SELF. It has been mentioned countless times that self-assessment is a healthy option since we could perform transcendence. There is a continuous quest of improving our own selves since we are the only persons in control with our quirks. We also need to listen to feedback since there are instances when our illnesses are our blind spots. 

Having the mental health law recently signed is a soothing balsam to the impending ailment threatening the society. There will be policies and laws to be created for the betterment of the people. Yet, it takes a strong and self-observant person to know whether he/she is trekking the SANE ground or he/she is flying over the cuckoo’s nest.

Narcissus

When all discussions start to become interesting, they would then pull back the gears towards them. They would then relate everything about themselves… You then experience being lost in the world of the Me Myself and I people. You are having an interaction with persons who have SFA - self-focused attention.

SFA is considered a cognitive bias that is closely interconnected with the experience of acute and chronic negative effect (Morris and Winquist, 2002). It is defined as an “awareness of self-referent, internally generated information that stands in contrast to an awareness of externally generated information derived through sensory receptors” (Ingram, 1990).

Relationships, like friendships, sometimes lead to conflict when one of the members of the group persistently point everything back to him/her. It is as if a broken record is being played that irritants would be triggered which often result to the exclusion of that “irritant”. Other members of the group start talking about the person on how they feel about the individual’s self-centered remarks.

As adults, it is but proper for us to have self-assessments on how we talk and how we deal with our discourses to others. We could recount the number of Me, Myself and I in each discussion for us to get alarmed with the SFA syndrome. There was even an experiment  conducted by a psychologist when he recorded a conversation and allowed the concerned individual to listen to his discussion tallying the number of times he mentioned Me, Myself and I. The individual then realized how he reroute the discussions to his achievements and experiences most of the time that other members of the group got alienated.

Most theoretical models assume that Self Focused Attention becomes dysfunctional if an individual experiences a negative discrepancy between a current and a desired personal state. Such discrepancies are more likely to occur in the face of negative events such as losses or failures. It appears plausible that increased SFA following negative but not positive events leads to increased negative effect (Pyszczynski and Greenberg, 1987).

There is a direct correlation to persons with SFA to their moods. Most of them are moody and very sensitive especially if attention is not focused on them. In the study of Flory, Raikkonen and Matthews, results revealed that a self-focusing style was associated with higher negative mood and lower positive mood at the time of a negative social interaction during three days of everyday activities. Women who were chronically self-focused were particularly vulnerable to these negative social interactions in the daily environment, they were more likely than men to report lower positive mood during the interaction. In addition, 30 minutes after the negative social interaction, self-focused individuals with higher levels of negative mood and lower levels of positive mood relative to individuals who were not self-focused and did not report higher depressive symptoms.

It has been mentioned all the time that maturity is a continuum of travelling from the SELF to the SELF. This means that we need to understand the inner person and consider if this person is consistent to the  NORMS of the society. We could not say WHO CARES? since we belong to social groups where others are also considered NOT just the self.

Our mental health could sometimes show symptoms of being imbalanced. Sturgeon (2006) mentioned that it is of great concern that mental health promotion is frequently overlooked by the individual and even in health promotion programs. This should not be since mental health is an integral part of the body’s well-being.

In the Philippines, the landmark Mental health Law (RA 11036) was signed by President Rodrigo Duterte which will provide affordable and accessible mental health services for the Filipinos. This is considered as laudable since the law sets the path for the government in integrating mental healthcare in the country’s public healthcare system (Rappler, 2018).