Fret

Hurot yaot! There are people who see the ugly things all the time. They do not stop to see the yellow buds among the weeds; they are incapable of appreciating the small efforts you do; they always see the dot of a stain in the white clothes you don… These people often wear you out to the point that no one would gravitate to them. They always feel like burdens to be carried. They are the constant complainers.

A complain is simply defined as expression of dissatisfaction or annoyance about a state of affairs or an event. It is normal to complain if one’s comfort and rights are being hampered deliberately. But it is not normal when one complains on things all the time. These persons are often irritated with the weather, the way people act, the way the music is being played, the way others dress and the way everything there is!

Most chronic complainers, according to Winch (2011), truly see their lives as being full of hardship and challenge. Chronic complainers' perceptions about their hardships are deeply embedded in their personalities and sense of identity. Therefore, although they tell others about their problems all the time, they are not really looking for advice or solutions.

Psychology Today mentioned that complaining usually happens in the wake of a negative situation. Traffic was worse than expected. The movie was disappointing. The contractor did shoddy work. The city council should never have approved that new development. Of course, it is not just situations but also personal factors that are involved. You’ll notice, for example, that some people tend to complain while others hold their tongues. Indeed, there is a “complaint threshold” that must be reached before someone decides to grumble.

Aside from chronic complaining, venting is also present in our interactions with people. Venting is expressing emotional dissatisfaction. It turns out that people who vent have an agenda. They tend to be focused on themselves and their own—presumably negative—experience. By showing their anger, frustration, or disappointment, they are soliciting attention from their confidantes. They can feel validated by receiving attention and sympathy.

Venters are particularly likely to discount advice and proposed solutions to their problems. They aren’t looking to solve anything; they simply want validation (Diener, 2017).

It is so frustrating to come from a full day of work and service and you will be bombarded with complaints and venting to the point that your energy will come down to an all-time low. Instead of being nourished with appreciation, encouragement and the beauty of life, you will be fed with the foul odors of existence. This is mainly the reason why there are those people who will utter the phrase GET A LIFE! to some since they seem to dwell on the negative side all the time.

Meaningful activities must also be considered by us so that we could see the impact of our actions to the society since complaining is a by-product of dissatisfaction. Life must not only be filled with material things and worldly needs since these will tarnish and go out of style. Universal values won’t. Respect, love, affection and empathy will linger forever. With them, life is satisfying.

“Our brain has a tendency to focus on the negative,” says Emma Seppälä, PhD, author of The Happiness Track: How to Apply the Science of Happiness to Accelerate Your Success, and science director at the Center for Compassion and Altruism Research and Education at Stanford University. As a result, we tend to focus on what is wrong, rather than noticing all the things that are right, Seppälä observes. “In fact, research shows that three times more positive things than negative things happen to us every day, yet it takes just one upsetting email to ruin everything,” she says.

But then, as an individual, we could take action on our own situations. According to Will Bowen, once you have identified the motivation behind your complaints, address them. Changing a complaining habit isn’t simply positive thinking or being a pushover. It is your own responsibility since you are a big contributor to the energies you release to your family and the people you will encounter.

But if we persist on complaining and venting, we might notice that our loved ones are unhappy with us and would eventually look for “areas” where they could be at peace. It is because it is better to breathe than be suffocated, right?

As an adage goes: Enjoy the little things in life, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things you failed to appreciate… they seemed to be insignificant you complained about them.

Bipolar

Malabad. These individuals exist in our families and other social groups. We could not be ourselves since we have to be in tune with their moods for us not to be deprived of our peace. We have to test the waters first before wading into their territory. The difficult thing if these people are our bosses. Development and productivity could be hampered since we often measure our movements so to resonate with their quirks.

Schimelpfening (2018) says that mood swings are rapid and often extreme, fluctuations in one's emotional state, involving alternating between feelings of happiness and well-being and feelings of anger, irritability, or depression.

A mood swing is simply a noticeable change in one’s mood or emotional state. Everybody has mood swings and they are a natural part of most people’s lives. We get happy, we get sad. We have a period of feeling on top of the world, and then later in the same day, we feel tired, lethargic and beaten down. Small mood swings are a part of most people’s lives (Grobol, 2018).

Moods have psychological effects with people especially in productivity and creativity, Accounts have been recorded that emotions play a great part in the work place and even with person-to-person relationships. A lot of encounters ended with hurt and messed-up feelings due to moody innuendos. Some people’s mood swings are so extreme, rapid or serious, that they interfere with that individual’s functioning in everyday life.

Again, the grown up person must not fail to BE AWARE of his/her emotional state since the individual is the one handling the moods rather than the opposite. The power of self-awareness and control will take place here. We might be the cause of others’ discomfort through our outbursts we need to be responsible with our mental state. Negative moods create negative deeds which result to the creation of negative ripples.

As Dr. Grobol said, people who are experiencing a mood swing that’s been going on for more than a few weeks and is seriously affecting their friendships, relationship, school work, etc. should consider seeking professional help for the issue. A professional can help accurately diagnose the problem, and prescribe a course of treatment to reduce the mood swings.

Why do we have these moods? There are even instances when we wake up in the morning feeling irritated for no reason at all, thus the idiom – waking up on the wrong side of the bed! We also wonder what has become of our boss and companions when they put on that smug expression on their faces we cower and retreat to our comfort zones. Is it something “from their house”? We often wonder.

According to verywellmind.com, among the possible causes of mood swings is an imbalance in the brain chemicals associated with mood regulation, as in the case of bipolar disorder, and the hormonal changes associated with the menstrual cycle or menopause. In addition, mood swings may occur in men who abuse steroids. Mood swings are also common with depression, especially untreated depression, where moods can fluctuate from irritability to extreme sadness to an angry outburst.

Lately, this writer is delving on psychological causes of the people who seem to dominate us or oppress the people around them. There must be an explanation on their behaviors in a scientific manner. And it came to the attention that most of these personalities have issues on their mental health. But then, the thing to come up to the mind is personal responsibility. Since most of these persons are adults and hold higher positions, they must be responsible for their own well-being!

But what if this is their blind spot?

This is the reason why we listen to feedback. There are people close to us who could detect our mood swings especially family members and friends. Listening to suggestions could also allow us to review ourselves and consider the implications of our actions and reactions with other individuals.

Yet the persons with bipolar disorder and borderline personality disorder sometimes are narcissistic to the point that they do not listen to “mere” mortals like us. They think that they are always right.

So why fuss over their choice to become insane? But then it is always a waste to climb the ladder of success when in fact others see you as DERANGED. 

Humbug

Hawod. They are always right. They do not welcome suggestions. It is as if they are gifted by the universe with this capacity to rule over. In small groups, the other members will just keep quiet so that no fuss would materialize. These people are the loud and opinionated to the point that they would lash out comments to you once you air out your own opinion about the topic at hand. It is like traversing a one-way road.

An opinionated person, according to Goulston (2010) is one who speaks as if their opinions are facts rather than mere beliefs.  Being opinionated is incompatible with other people having different opinions. Dr. Nicola Davies continued that while some people like to debate ideas and opinions, others argue out of habit: – they can’t help themselves, and will make a fuss about the most trivial things, just to cause conflict. This can drive those around them up the wall because they are almost always on the defensive, even about what might seem like the most insignificant things.

In a social encounter, it is but normal to have interaction with others. We do not fail to understand that people have differing opinions and ideas on certain things. We hold on to our convictions and so are they! It is very good to have your own beliefs and ideas on certain things but it is alarming when you insist that others would believe what you think is right. It is like insisting that the most beautiful color is blue to a person who loves pink! You could discuss on the benefits of wearing blue but you should not tell the pink-lover to change his/her mind.

Linda Emma of the Bump said: What makes someone who is opinionated annoying to many isn’t that they share their opinions, but that they believe everyone else should share the same view. This egocentric philosophy can be particularly disconcerting if they are so close-minded as to deem other’s opinions and values as unworthy. If you find yourself fuming at what someone is saying, don’t do so in silence. Instead, speak up and offer another viewpoint.

As a facilitator of development programs, this writer encounters a lot of people who dominate discussions. We were being taught how to “traffic” ideas and opinions but there are personalities who could be so difficult they cause annoyance to the learning process. It is as if they are more knowledgeable than the person “on board” to the point that they underscore their ideas as brilliant ones!

When we meet these types of people, first that would come to mind is having an antisocial personality disorder. Dr. Steve Bressert said that Individuals with antisocial personality disorder frequently lack empathy and tend to be callous, cynical, and contemptuous of the feelings, rights, and sufferings of others. They may have an inflated and arrogant self-appraisal (e.g., feel that ordinary work is beneath them or lack a realistic concern about their current problems or their future) and may be excessively opinionated, self-assured, or cocky. They may display a glib, superficial charm and can be quite voluble and verbally facile (e.g., using technical terms or jargon that might impress someone who is unfamiliar with the topic).

The mayoclinic.org mentioned that personality is the combination of thoughts, emotions and behaviors that makes everyone unique. It's the way people view, understand and relate to the outside world, as well as how they see themselves. Personality forms during childhood, shaped through an interaction of inherited tendencies and environmental factors.

Ergo: nature and nurture.

We do not have the license to help them since they may have a clinical condition. To retain our peace, the best thing that we could do is stop affiliating with them. They might influence our thought patterns and attitudes. We are responsible for our mental health that is the main reason that we CHOOSE to stay away from their paths. If they are our friends and members of the family, we could support them by bringing them to the doctor. Yet, if they insist they are WELL and BETTER THAN US, (if they are adults) let them be. Again, one’s health is his or her own lookout.

The Mayo Clinic staff continues: There's no sure way to prevent antisocial personality disorder from developing in those at risk. Because antisocial behavior is thought to have its roots in childhood, parents, teachers and pediatricians may be able to spot early warning signs. It may help to try to identify those most at risk, such as children who show signs of conduct disorder, and then offer early intervention.

Early, effective and appropriate discipline, lessons in behavior modification, social and problem-solving skills, parent training, family therapy, and psychotherapy may help reduce the chance that at-risk children go on to become adults with antisocial personality disorder.

But once these people reach adulthood, we be aware of them!

Finesse

Sosyal! This is often tagged to people who dress up well and move with grace. We see them as those whose hair are straightened or applied with dye to the point that they look different: expensive. There are also those who package themselves as if they are products to be consumed and they need to cope with the latest trend in clothing and skin care. They are the ones who could make us take a second look. These could be their crutch, their source of confidence.

Only 4% of women around the world consider themselves beautiful, and anxiety about appearance begins at an early age. Six out of ten girls are so concerned with the way they look, that they actually opt out of participating fully in daily life – from going swimming and playing sports, to visiting the doctor, going to school or even just offering their opinions (www.dove.com)

This is one of the many reasons why people use cosmetics, signature clothes and dowse themselves with cologne to have that security blanket around them. These chemicals and materials allow them to feel beautiful and confident.

Like a uniform, our possession of specific objects and brands can also signal our membership of social groups, both to others and to ourselves (Jarret, 2013). That is the reason why those who want to belong to the “higher” level of society tend to surround themselves with material things which would underscore their status.

There are people who are born with the silver spoon. Their genes dictate the way the move and their skin signals their innate breeding. According to Macdowall (2013), modern manners, codes of behavior, decorum and rules of etiquette matter in every culture and society – they illuminate and respect the human experience. Observing manners when out and about in society is, and should be ‘cool’, even in a casual setting. And these things are learned by these people from their family and throughout their growth.

So why do we have persons who package themselves as SOSYAL yet their manners are like stinking mud from the sewer? They sometimes annoy us since they criticize on the way we dress up and the way we opt NOT to wear makeup and loud clothes. They are the social climbers.

Based on Urban Dictionary, a social climber, which is also the synonym of an “attention whore,” is anyone who becomes friends with someone else if they have something that they want or need. Social climbers will value human relationships based on popularity and status as those two things are their primary needs.

They never see any depth and intimacy upon their friendship as they will only become friends with the people who “know people.” More often than not, social climbers feature characteristics including ambitious, competitive, and high-achiever as their one and only goal is to “get to the top.” These people will never feel satisfied if there is someone else who holds a “higher-status” than them (Noormega, 2018).

The article continued that lifestyle and identity crisis might also be the reasons for the emerging social climbers in our society. In this world, which is rapidly changing in terms of technology and social media, everyone wants to be recognized.

There is nothing wrong to aim for beauty and social recognition. Most of us work to attain some level of respect and recognition from the society we belong. That is the reason why we get hurt when we are neglected and rejected. Yet, we could be noticed by others when we bloom where we are planted. It is our own efforts and breadth when we could put our marks. No need to shout and be loud through our clothing and movements. No need to use others to be able to be recognized.

Self-control and the development of self-image is needed by each one of us. It is in these things when we become functional rather than the opposite. We have to rely on our own strengths not depending on crutches and delusions of grandeur.

Also, isn’t it annoying to see Channel on your shirt when in fact it’s Chanel?

Waif

Gamhanan! We have them in our offices. They have this sense of entitlement that they have the power over you or your companions. They see themselves as the force behind the organization. Funny thing is that they are actually NOT the boss but a secondary character in the organization. They might be a head of the office but oftentimes, they forget that they are not the ONE. These people are called informal leaders because they have that sense of POWER with their positions.

The word power derives from the Latin word potere, meaning to be able. Although the etymology of the word locates it in the person, power is a relational concept and is dependent upon a person's perceptions of his or her levels of control relative to another's [Dahl 1957 (2007), Parsons 1963]. Power results from a negotiation of a shared reality and often involves the creation of shared meanings, ideologies, and identities (Haslam et al. 2010, Hogg 2001, Parsons 1963).

Power seekers who are after personal power have a strong desire to control others or cause them to behave in a way that is consistent with the power seeker's wishes. This is actually caused by a strong sense to satisfy a need to rule over. Chances are, these people were deprived of the sense of control for a period of time causing them to regain their balance by imposing power over others.

Past research found that environmental uncertainty leads people to behave differently depending on their childhood environment. For example, economic uncertainty leads people from poor childhoods to become more impulsive while leading people from wealthy childhoods to become less impulsive (Mittal, 2014).

This could be the case of those who are called “hungry” for power. Their control needs were deprived of them during their childhood to the point that such hunger consumes them as they merge themselves with others even into adulthood. Their social behavior and etiquette would be clouded over by such hunger to the point that they do not mind whether they have hurt others or not. Like hungry animals in the dessert, they do whatever they can so to satisfy that hunger…or their sense of purpose will tip over. Especially when they feel that they are not in control.

Celebrated author Robert Fulghum aptly said: I know what I really want for Christmas. I want my childhood back. Nobody is going to give me that… I know it doesn’t make sense; but since when is Christmas about sense, anyway? It is about a child of long ago and far away, and it is about the child of now. In you and in me. Waiting behind the door of our hearts for something wonderful to happen.

So, hiding behind the facade of strength and power of those leaders of ours are scared little children. They are projecting an aura of control and anger for us not to see their weakness. They belittle us because they are afraid we will know how UGLY they feel about themselves. They let us feel bad because for them, it is unfair to see us happy even if they feel BETTER and RICHER than us. They scream, they gossip and laugh at our misfortunes but in truth, they are more pitiful than we are. They are writhing in loneliness and nursing on their past aches of being UNLOVED. Maybe, they are victims of abusive parents and horrible economic status that they tried hard not be unloved and hungry again.

But why is it that there are people whose childhood were undesirable yet they turn out to be loving, emphatic and humble people?

Recovery from childhood trauma involves owning the experiences we have disowned. It includes owning parts of ourselves that we continue to want to push away. This is a painful process because it means that we will need to embrace painful realities. Everything in us (and often around us) tells us that this is not the right path to take. But it is always truth, no matter how painful, that frees us. Embracing our life experiences and their ongoing impact on us is the path to freedom and wholeness (Ryan, 2018).

This discourse cuts both ways. It is about nursing the child in us and nurturing our children. Since it is been scientifically proven that childhood trauma could awaken the evil in us, we must not fail to be generous with love, affection and the sense of feeling secure to the young ones. They will be the future parents and it is a scary scenario for them to neglect their future children because they themselves are helpless little kids inside.

We let the power-grabbers be. They are responsible for their own anger and inadequacies. They could blame their parents for making them who they are, for all we care!  While we continue to nourish ourselves with positive thoughts and be generous with love and respect.

If they scream at you, if they belittle you…they are actually reliving their pitiful and wounded childhood.

 waif

Avarice

Hakog. This is a Visayan term for being selfish or someone who does not have the capacity to share. When we were still young, the elders taught us to share our candy and even toys to others. The intention of the adults is for us to develop the sense of generosity since they see our friends and neighbors as extended family members. But there were instances that we kept our food to ourselves even if the other kids are drooling to taste some of it. Child and Psychotherapist Joseph Sacks mentioned that children are normally selfish because they are engaged in the fundamental business of creating their very selves. A child is supposed to be a receiver.

But what is the reason why there are adults who turn out to be selfish individuals? Why do some people give to others while some never do it? Is selfishness a by-product of skewed self-love?

According to Radwan (2018), selfishness is a sign of weakness. The selfish person fears to give some of his/her time, money or effort to others because he/she is afraid of the consequences that might happen on making such a sacrifice. The person who is always busy and who never gives few minutes of his time to the people in need is actually afraid of wasting his/her time believing that he or she has no control over his/her life.

We hear of parents having bad feelings towards their children since the latter do not have time to visit them anymore. Their reason is always that of being busy. We also hear of siblings’ misunderstanding about the money to be spent for the parents’ medicine and even food. The generous ones will oftentimes keep their quiet and continue to give while the selfish beings have their justifications.

Recent research indicates no decisive conclusion regarding whether humans are “fundamentally generous or greedy and whether these tendencies are shaped by our genes or environment.” (Robison, M; 2014). Studies seem to indicate we are both, and the reasons are genetic, evolutionary, and environmental.

We might cling to the belief that selfish (or clannish) people come from selfish families. But there are those who turn out to be generous even if their parents are infamous of their greed. Parents might also monitor the exposure of their children to their friends since they could acquire the negative traits of the group which will later be developed in adulthood. Still, people who aim for transcendence could look back and realize the faults and failures they have done in terms of being self-centered. They usually evolve to become better individuals.

But then it stems down to being self-evaluative or being self-righteous. Since we have the tendency to have that animalistic side of having everything for our own wants, we could reflect on the value of sharing things than hoarding them. We need to understand that things of no use are USELESS. Our self-righteousness must also be monitored since it might lead to being mentally and morally unhealthy.

The assumption that selfishness is the fundamental human motivation rests on the view that selfishness is beneficial, whereas otherishness is costly; people are selfish because they benefit from selfishness. In some ways, this is obviously true; people who give their money or time to others have less money or time for themselves, and people who selfishly hoard their money or protect their time tend to have more money or time for themselves. Money, time, and other tangible things tend to be finite resources and therefore often work in zero-sum ways—the more one gives to others, the less one has for oneself. (Crocker, et.al, 2017)

But many social goods that people give to and take from others are not so clearly finite resources that can be exhausted if spent or accumulated if saved. Emotional support and acts of kindness, for example, may cost no money and need not take much time.

It is a conscious effort for us to give our time, talent and treasures to others. We might see this as nonsense for we deserve what we have since we work for them. But our presence in this world is not just to EXIST, We are here to LIVE and our lives must be meaningful. The love, affection and respect could be shown by us to others through sharing food and things which could lift up the spirit of others. Life is a continuum of bondage and caring.

In the end, we will become a distant memory. If our memories allow the persons we left behind to smile, our legacy of having lived a generous and meaningful life is infinite.