Mapatay ako kun ya sija! We hear these words from songs: I can’t live without you. The line “you complete me” became a mantra when Tom Cruise professed to her lover in Jerry Maguire. In fact up to the present, a lot of people “allow” others to control their own happiness. Their emotions are dependent to their “significant others.”
Emotional support is one of the big benefits of having relationships. When you face life challenges or stress, your loved ones can offer empathy and comfort by listening to your troubles and validating your feelings. But it will become another story when you are emotionally-dependent.
Emotional dependency, according to Dr. Margaret Paul is when a person believes they need another person to survive, to be happy, or to feel complete. Love is easily confused with emotional dependency because they both usually come with intense feelings around another person. But in an emotionally dependent relationship, people feel they're "in love" when really they're "in need." Emotionally dependent people need constant attention, approval, and support from their partner—because they are not giving it to themselves.
The literature on relational dependency in adults emphasizes that it’s vital your partner be able to offer you emotional support when it’s needed. But once we substitute the word dependency for support, we’re looking at something quite different.
The psychological consequences of emotional dependence are diverse and the effect varies depending on the degree of dependency and the characteristics of an individual. In many cases, these emotionally dependent people seek out people with a dominant, possessive, and authoritarian character, consequently nurturing a toxic relationship of domination (topodoctors.co.uk).
Emotional dominance can be felt by the “other” person in the relationship as well. They will feel drained of having emotional vampires around. Conflicts then arise as selfishness escalates.
The question remains: why do people become dependent of their feelings to others? Why do they allow others to take away their peace? Is love, equated to being emotionally generous to the other or a liberating feeling of having someone independent of his/her identity?
One of the most common causes of emotional dependence is a parent influencing it or watching a parent who struggles with it as well. Another common cause is trauma, where someone heavily controlled the person or hurt by their actions. Having difficulty in being emotionally independent can arise for no apparent reason, as well (Delvin, 2021).
In the real world, there are also those who DO NOT rely on others to have their individual happiness and well-being. They are the emotionally-independent ones.
Emotional independence is a type of inner resilience that lets you know you can meet, solve, and be with any circumstance you face. It means building your sense of self on your own, without depending on others to make you happy or tell you who you should be (Cohen, 2019).
Accepting ourselves and changing unhelpful perceptions and behaviors allows us to find the strength we need to create a personalized sense of inner calm. It empowers us to see ourselves as separate from others and declare independence from circumstances that might once have dictated our moods, behaviors, and ideas about ourselves.
People who are not emotionally independent have a great fear of being rejected, ignored, not liked, or being criticized. The way they view themselves is typically not positive, and they usually have very low self-esteem. Their self-image is very weak, and they don't think they are worth anything without the person they are emotionally dependent on. They are very negative towards themselves and will change what they say, do, wear, or even believe in feeling more accepted by their partner. They feel like they can't live without their partner and that if they left, they would be worthless (Delvin, 2021).
Let us be ourselves. Let us not allow others to dictate or manipulate our peace of mind and happiness. As long as we adhere to the universal values and the greater good, we can be independent with such binding feelings.
Better, let us rule over our emotions, not that they will be the ones to rule over us.
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