See Yourself, Not Others

 

Way taghimo, aja da masipanhilabot. There is a current trend of sloth which is happening around. This mainly focuses on people who are making themselves become Peeping Toms on social media. Some call them Facebook Police. But whatever the terminologies may be, they are simply targeting for pure GOSSIP. They fish information out from the lives of others and most of the time find the gaps on the lives of others for them to gloat.

For those who are unaware, a peeping Tom is a title used to refer to someone who gains pleasure from watching someone else. The term is another way of saying a voyeur, which Merriam-Webster defines as a “prying observer” who gains stimulation and/or pleasure from watching others.

Seeing is pleasure — especially from a distance. There is something alluring about watching Snapchat or Instagram stories, viral video clips and even reality television. We reap the benefits of having our senses stimulated by human life but hold no personal investment in what we are watching. Oftentimes we do it to escape the boredom or discomfort of a situation. From afar, we indulge in the lives of others and measure ourselves up to one another in the process (Sontag, 2016).

Most of the time, these persons are NOT really busy. They just seem busy doing something. But they are actually not productive. They spend so much time scrolling social media sites and prying into the lives of others forgetting that they have their own lives to consider.

Why do we snoop on others on social media? Scientists have a lot of theories. One is related to voyeurism in general: snooping gives us power. According to a 2014 study on being a voyeur on social media, checking out someone's feed allows the lurker to "learn from others by watching them," without "giv[ing] anything out in return," upsetting the balance of power.

Power. There are those who hunger for it. There are those who feel powerful when they can see mistakes of others displayed on these sites. Some even redeem their feigned power over others by simply posting comments to say: I am still powerful. Yes, there are many who are still do not understand their SICK side.

How much power do you want? Is it not enough to have power over your OWN life? For a start, use your power by making yourself productive. Do something! Create.

Make yourself beautiful! Nagkayaot na kaw lamang! Take time to bathe!

The Unleashing of Marites

 

Mare, umay latest? Thus, the birth of Marites. Gossip was there since time immemorial. Asking for information is a need to survive, to be prepared and to make mindsets. But when information is dug for a malicious intent like gloating on one’s misfortunes can be unhealthy. It will oftentimes segue to something evil.

A 1993 observational study found that male participants spent 55% of conversation time and female participants spent 67% conversation time on “the discussion of socially relevant topics.” Thus, this writer cannot be accused of being sexist since the “Karen” phenomenon also happened in the US. Marites can be the Philippine version of those difficult women who can be profiled as envious and have poor security issues like that of the Caucasian Karen who is racist and entitled.

Marion Underwood (2003) has found that for children, being victimized by social aggression (including gossip) is associated with poor self-concept, especially for girls. Other studies show that victimization is associated with loneliness, depression and anxiety.

With the introduction of social media to our lives, peering to others’ lives is accessible. Those with poor self-concept will have escalations of insecurities when they see their friends’ pictures enjoying their moments. This was carefully studied which later become the theorized FOMO (fear of missing out). To bounce back, the insecurities will allow the person to find faults on others. This is the defense mechanism by making others “smaller” than them. Gossiping, making fun and criticizing the work of others become the meals for survival of the skewed.

"Generally, it's a form of diversion. Instead of facing pressing personal matters in their personal lives that they need to focus, they'd rather concern themselves with the lives of others, which they somehow feel like they're entitled to have an opinion about," Joseph Marquez, a clinical psychologist told Ara Eugenio in her article Marites Nation (2021).

Still, these people must be aware about their contribution to the circle that they belong. Are they agents of cohesion or destruction? Indeed, the thrust to reflect and focus on personal issues and improvement should be prioritized rather than find faults and failures of others. Those who aim for SELF-ACTUALIZATION need to concentrate on the improvement of the self than finding faults and gloat on others’ mistakes.

If Marites persists, we can also play the game, right? Pwede man sab nato sila gisahon sa ila kaugalingon na mantika, amo? Let us find their feared/denied flaws. Instead of gossiping about it, we can tell their inadequacies in front of them.

Being frank is not gossip!

All-Knowing

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Kun bright kaw hampan ako dili, pero imo baro yay plantsa! People find flaws based on their feigned standards. Not realizing that their criteria of being “perfect” are different from others. You see, some are critical on others’ grammar use but their skin is not moisturized. The former can be laughable for a set of people yet the latter can also cause the feeling of chagrin from others. We have different strengths and weaknesses. We need to co-exist.

J. Strelau mentioned that people develop their unique traits/characteristics and patterns of behavior due to their genetic makeup and the environment in which they are brought up. Individual differences occur due to interaction of genetic and environmental factors. We inherit certain characteristics from our parents through genetic codes. Also, the environment is responsible as how we are reared, the kind of atmosphere at house, whether it is liberal or strict, the type of education that we get, what we learn from people, around us, books, cultural practices, peers, teachers and media.

Therefore, the way we think differs. The way you spend your life is different from others. Your ways might be ideal but others do not think the way you do. It is just unsettling to realize that there are people in the society who like the concept of prescribing the “right ways” to others not realizing that their own ways are NOT aligned with what the individuals prefer.

Keith Webb aptly says it: If people were machines, then we could just tell them what to do, and they’d do it. Machines are limited. People are much more capable, creative, and intelligent. When we’re trying to get people to follow our directions, we see their intelligence as a problem. One of my old bosses used to say, “I’m not paying you to think. I’m paying you to do what I tell you to do.”

That’s why we focus on how to improve ourselves (our circle of influence and control). If we are already mentally-capable since we can now understand the concept of interstellar Physics, we can focus on the dirt on our backyards – the literal ones. We might be very efficient with managing our resources but our clothes might need some mending. We may be rich but we might be morally poor.

A lack of information is rarely the problem. So, telling people what to do won’t help.

Loud and Proud

 

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Arang dajon kahamok mahisulti! We sometimes wonder what is the source of confidence of the people we once knew who are now feigning a sense of entitlement and power over us. These persons seem to have found a cure to societal ills that they often air their opinions even if these are unfounded and can be the nightmare of researchers.

Yes, we are all have the freedom to express ourselves since we live in a democratic society. But freedom has moral judgment as the foundation. There are times when all we have to do is absorb everything and weigh things out. The outbursts that we do can sometimes be a gauge of how we have applied our education. The will to stay “cool” is a testament of one’s effort to act civilized.

If you are a reactive person, according to vocabulary.com, you're always ready to react but not to act on your own. You're rather lifeless unless something or someone else causes you to do act.

That is the reason why these persons are loud. They have this defense mechanism of raising their voices or become angry when something is introduced to them which will shatter their immobility. You see, the opposite of creativity is the resistance to do something.

Brandt (2018) mentioned: When you’re reactive, your feelings depend on external events outside your influence or control. Whether you have a good or bad day depends entirely on what happens to you and around you. The weather, what your boss says about your presentation, what mood your partner is in when you get home, how your favorite team played: All these outside things control your emotions; you don’t. And when your actions are based on your feelings — which they usually are — you’re in dangerous reactive behavior territory. Everything you do is someone else’s fault. You’re not in control of your life.

But these persons exist. We cannot erase them from our ecology since they are the products of their environment and the way they were raised. If they are adults and won’t allow dynamic changes to happen “in” them, we cannot do anything since it is their choice.

But when they will go overboard, we sometimes have to unleash our defenses and punch their insensibilities to their faces. If they have the right to air themselves out, we have the same rights like them.

Yet, we need NOT BE LIKE THEM.

Those With Superpowers

 

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Kun manulti amo da sab sin-o! Ever encounter these persons who seems to know everything? They often say things as if the world is designed ONLY for them. They do not understand that they are feigning a sense of entitlement because they want to do it their way. They cannot understand the concept of the COMMON GOOD since they only consider themselves. The scary thing is that they are all over including the public offices!

A sense of entitlement (Cuncic, 2021) is a personality characteristic based on the belief that someone deserves special treatment or recognition for something they didn't earn. In other words, people with this mindset believe that the world owes them without ever giving anything in return.

People with a sense of entitlement expect to get preferential treatment and special favors in life, without regard for why they should be treated specially. Their view is "the world owes me." For example, they might feel that the policies of an organization should not apply to them because they should be treated with special favors.

They act like victims and blame other people or outside forces for their problems.

While the person with a sense of entitlement may come across as arrogant or confident, this can be a cover-up for underlying insecurity or fear of not having enough admiration, resources, or support.

Entitled people have a tendency to adopt goals based around their own self-image, often leading them into conflict with others (Moeller, 2018). While they may be able to put up an exterior of being nice and well-mannered on the outside, research shows that it's all just for show; deep down inside this is not how they truly feel about themselves or other individuals around them.

Researchers from Case Western Reserve University found that entitled people are more likely to experience chronic disappointment, unmet expectations, and a self-reinforcing cycle of behavior which puts them at risk for harm psychologically or socially.

When people think of themselves as superior, anything that challenges their worldview is met with defensiveness and anger. This creates a vicious cycle: the more they are challenged by society's limitations, the angrier they become at these injustices (Cuncic, 2021).

The world deserves more peace. We can push them away from our ecology. If they are entitled believing that they are better, we are also entitled to live a peaceful life. Let them wallow on their inadequacies. We deserve better.

No Mistakes

 

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Mohanap nan lusot. Whitewashing a mistake is common. This might go back to self-preservation. But then again, we cannot square a circle. There are even instances that we believe on the lies that we say. And the ability to do moral judgment can then become a blur…

After making a mistake people tend to justify their decisions which lead to the mistake even if they know they did the wrong thing. People try to avoid or diminish the feeling of having done something wrong and try to justify their decisions instead of admitting their error.

Worse, there are those who consider that what they are doing is NOT a mistake after all. This is happening everywhere. There are those people who do not have the conscience to the point that they feel that all is well since they do not feel bad about it. One might wonder why there are serial killers and psychology points out that these people are psychopaths – they do not feel any guilt at all. They think that what they do is OK.

What then is confirmation bias? Confirmation Bias is the tendency to look for information that supports, rather than rejects, one’s preconceptions, typically by interpreting evidence to confirm existing beliefs while rejecting or ignoring any conflicting data (American Psychological Association).

This is when you will say that: everybody is doing it so it is alright for me to do such. There is nothing wrong of being late since the boss is always late as well. I will say I was present even if I was not… my friends are doing it so do I. I can lie, anyway it’s a white lie… and so on.

People are susceptible to confirmation bias to protect their self-esteem (to know that their beliefs are accurate). To make themselves feel confident, they tend to look for information that supports their existing beliefs (Casad, 2019).

They then mention legal bases and even literature supporting their preconceived beliefs even if glaring facts are being neglected.

It is then that we go back to the self. We need to revisit what is good and not. We can evaluate what drives us to embrace confirmation bias. What are we protecting for and why?

In the end, the truth will set us free.

I'm Not The Creep!

 

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Sobrahan da pagbelib sa kaugalingon. Self-confidence is the key to success. But too much of it is arrogance. There are those around who believe that they are better than everyone around them. They oftentimes see us as lesser beings. They do not understand respect because for them, they are the only ones MEANT to be respected.

Arrogance can be defined as the personality trait whereby a person has an obnoxiously elevated sense of self-worth. An arrogant person is the one who acts as if they’re superior, more worthy, and more important than others. Therefore, they tend to disrespect and put others down (Parvez, 2014).

There are times when we wonder about their psychological well-being. Why do they tend to hurt and disrespect others? Were they oppressed when they were still young? Is the arrogance a by-product of deprivation or trauma? Are they mentally-ill?

Cerdan (2019) posited that arrogance serves as a defense mechanism. It’s a way to protect people’s self-esteem and self-worth. It is a way to hide and compensate for insecurity, inferiority, lack of self-confidence. Arrogance helps people to reject others before they can reject them. It’s a way to prevent them from hurting the self. It is, therefore, more common to behave arrogantly towards strangers, out of fear of rejection.

Narcissism is the psychological term for arrogance and there are two types of narcissistic, vulnerable and grandiose. Vulnerable narcissism is the one who uses arrogance to compensate for his insecurity. Grandiose narcissism really believes to be as perfect as is shown.

Again, with the pressing concerns about mental health, people must be aware of their traits so to be able to adjust or heal and be in harmony with others. Like the dreaded cancer and AIDS, mental illnesses proliferate the society these days eating up its value system and producing chaotic and unhealthy relationships.

But denial is also another phase to be reflected on. People often justify their actions and look for reasons for them NOT to be the culprit. They find scapegoats and continue living their MAD world.

There are times when it is fair for us to say to them straight-facedly: YOU’RE SICK!