So What If I'm Different?

 

Dapat ganahan sila sa imo, smile pirme! Yes, it is true that people must be pleased with the services that you have to give especially if you are a government employee, but isn’t it too much to please them for the sake of being “accepted”?

Psychology Today reported that the people-pleaser needs to please others for reasons that may include fear of rejection, insecurities, the need to be well-liked. If the person stops pleasing others, the mindset seems to lead to abandonment and being uncared for.

The tendency to please is related to Dependent Personality Disorder. While the people-pleaser may not need others to do things for them, they do have a need for others, regardless.

What causes it? What is the psychology behind people-pleasing?

People pleasing behaviors evolve as a way to maintain connection and closeness with parents who are inconsistently available to their children.  A lack of parental attunement is a big part of what causes people pleasing.

Difficult or traumatic past experiences, such as abuse, can lead people to become more agreeable in order to feel safe and secure. They may believe that pleasing others will stop any abusive behaviors from being triggered (Hayes, 2022).

People-pleasers can often exhibit perfectionist traits which lead to a need for control over how other people think and feel.

The urge to please others can be damaging to ourselves and, potentially, to our relationships when we allow other people’s wants to have more importance than our own needs, explains Erika Myers, a therapist in Bend, Oregon.

So, why “smile” if you are busy doing something for the common good? Just to please others?

Yes, being kind and sociable are values we need to attain. But to constantly please people for the sake of deep-set insecurities is another issue to be reflected on.

 

Manners Matter

 

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Bisan unhon pagtago motunga gajod an tinood na kolor. There is brouhaha over the scene where the vlogger Alex Gonzaga smeared the face of a waiter with cake icing during her birthday. People found the act as rude even if the culprit claimed that it was just a joke and she knows the waiter.

Inquirer.net reported: Alex Gonzaga on Wednesday night apologized to the waiter who she smeared icing cake on during her birthday celebration in Pasig City on January 16. Gonzaga, on her Instagram Stories, said sorry to the hapless waiter who was identified by her family’s publicist as Allan Crisostomo, saying the incident, which was caught in a now-deleted video and had become viral on social media, had been a lesson in “humility and kindness” for her.

According to Cambridge dictionary manners are ways of behaving toward people, especially ways that are socially correct and show respect.

These are developed inside the house through the nurturing care of the parents and reinforced in the school. Whatever the person has developed, it would often show on the movements, the manner they talk and even the way they dress and present themselves in public.

Incivility is defined as a mild form of deviant behavior that is low intensity, ambiguous as to intent to harm, violates respectful social norms, and does not form a decided pattern of behavior (Emotions, Technology, and Behaviors, 2016),

There is no excuse for rudeness. This might be attributed to bad parenting and skewed value system.

Whether you are friends with someone, it is rude to perform a joke that may harm the feelings and dehumanize the person. That is why “pranks” should be considered properly since the stress it can bring to others might be too much for the intended fun.

Being civil and cultured matter.

You Freak!

 

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Uman ilugos mo man an IMO gusto? Have you met people who insist on doing something which they think as THE BEST thing to do? They often believe that they have the monopoly of knowledge. If you do not do their thing, you will then be labelled as INEFFICIENT.

Some other people are skilled at controlling other people. They have an autocratic, demanding style of interacting. They like to command others to behave according to their wishes. These may be changing whims––one thing one minute, another the next. They commonly want gratification by other people of their own needs or desires (Adams, 2022).

In the late 1960’s, the term “Control Freak” was coined. The term is then directed to people who tend to control even the minutest things in the surrounding. These people are all over – the offices, the homes, the circle of friends and definitely everywhere.

According to Parvez (2021), control freaks have a strong need to control others because they believe they lack control themselves. So excessive need to control means the person is lacking control somehow in their own life.

Instead of regaining control over the thing they lost control over in the first place, some people try to regain control over others.

If someone tries to control situations or other people to an unhealthy extent, others may describe them as a controlling person. They may try to control a situation by taking charge and doing everything themselves or control others through manipulation, coercion, threats, and intimidation.

A wounded grandiose self-image is a symptom of what Freud and other psychologists call a narcissistic wound. A narcissistic wound or wounds suffered earlier in life can be so deep, that the person experiencing them no longer has a healthy ego strength. Without their constant cultivation of perfection, they feel they are just the broken little boy or girl that was injured so long ago (Felton, 2021).

It goes back to childhood once again. Reflections and self-assessment really help. If we cannot control ourselves, there is a great danger that we might control others.

Sometimes people try to assert power over others and control situations. In other cases, it may be to assert dominance. In this case, it is a form of abuse.

Road to Un-Rude

 

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There is nothing wrong with aiming to become better. Research shows that having a strong network of support or strong community bonds fosters both emotional and physical health and is an important component of adult life.

You will be disliked if you are tactless, unruly and mean. Let us look at these things and learn to be a better version of ourselves.

·         Negative tactless people often lack self-love and inner peace and contentment (Kloppers, 2020).

If we lack self-love, then a big tendency is that we do not CARE about the feelings of others. There is a need for us to accept our flaws. We shy away from looking for the mistakes of others to feel good about ourselves. Harsh words are reflections of your inner turmoil. Be content with what you have and be grateful on things which are blessed to you.

·         Unruly people have bad behavior. Bad behavior is frequently a symptom of a bigger issue. If we regularly act out in inappropriate or irritating ways, it’s often a call for further self-awareness. Something deeper (unresolved anger, pain, fear, etc.) may be behind those poor relational skills (Davenport, 2022).

 

It has been repeatedly mentioned by self-help authors that the most effective way to understand life is to become self-aware. When you are unruly and you tend to purposely annoy others, something is wrong. The hang-ups must be processed well and worked on for improvement. Keeping a journal helps.

 

·         In psychology, the term aggression is defined as a wide range of actions and behaviors that can result in mental, emotional, or physical harm to a person, others, or objects. Even if it is done subconsciously or when one loses control, portraying signs of aggression often results in hurting another person physically or emotionally (Gray, 2020).

 

Being mean hurts a lot of people emotionally, If the actions are intended, probably the Gotham Asylum is still open.

Life is short. We are not perfect but we can at least try to be better.

Replace

 

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Kuman bag-ong tuig… Here are some things which I hope won’t thrive on social media during the New Year.

1. Romanticizing and Normalizing Binge Drinking. Here is hoping that those who post drinking as a form of achievement will think twice. Alcohol addiction is a serious case. It is not something to be proud of just like nicotine addiction.

2. Incorrect spelling. When the education department discussed about learning loss brought about by the pandemic, there was a reaction that it already existed long before. People writing great instead of greet; consistently using the word bunos, instead of bonus and using multiple exclamation points to highlight something happened prior to COVID 19. We hope that this year, people will capitalize the proper nouns and re-learn the basics.

3. High Sense of Entitlement. There are people who abuse the so-called freedom of expression. They think that anything can be said and posted without the filters of manners and etiquette. The moral fiber of each one should be intact before embracing delusions of grandeur.

4. Insensitivity. People should understand that what they say and post can hurt others and their families. There must be a consistent effort among netizens that positive and empowering words can help build communities and harsh ones destroy.

5. Absence of the Nerds. I hope that the nerds, the mathematicians, the literary minds and artistic individuals will flood the feeds with their creations rather than the stupid, banal and trivial stuff hounding our screens.

6. Narcissists. The “Me-Myself-and-I” people can start counting the use of I in their conversations and write down things on big notebooks how to overcome their psychological issues.

7. Rude and Disrespectful Youngsters. We hope that responsible parenting happens this year. You see, the rude actions of adolescents and young people are products of parental neglect or skewed home environment.

 

Most of all, respect and discipline may exist. A lot of people are NOT delaying gratification to the point that 2022 was filled with some things worth regretting. We hope and pray that a more positive and peaceful world will exist.

Materialism on Christmas

 

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Ajoon an pinaskohan, o ihatag? We need to instill in the minds of the children that Christmas is NOT about gifts or food. It is all about welcoming the truth that GOD is with us; that the word became FLESH.

One misconception about Christmas is the role of godparents as “gift-givers”.

Traditionally a godparent will take part in a baptism or baby dedication for the infant, and make a vow to assume a role in the spiritual development of that child. A godparent serves God in developing a close-knit relationship with the child, encouraging through a Christian light whenever possible (Logan, 2020).

It is then a role of the godparent to nurture the spiritual growth of the children by loving them dearly and encouraging them to be closer to God. He/she must be God-fearing too to take upon this role.

Gifts are given, not asked.

The basic definition of a gift is a thing given willingly to someone without payment. Therefore, when you ask for it, it is not actually a gift. It is something given out of a request.

Materialism during Christmas.

There is this mentality that MONEY must flourish during this time of the year. Even the godchildren want money during the holidays.

In Veritas Truth Survey (VTS) conducted from Nov. 1 to 30 by Church-run Radio Veritas, 1,200 respondents were asked what kind of gift they would prefer for Christmas. Thirty-eight percent of the respondents said they wanted to receive “gifts in cash” this holiday season, while 32 percent preferred to have “gifts in kind” (Patinio, 2022).

So, what then is the true meaning of Christmas?

Actually, this is a SPIRITUAL celebration. The enrichment of the spirit is the main purpose of celebrating. The realization that God loves the world by giving His only son; The time when we see the obedience of Mary as he pondered in her heart to accept the role of nurturing Jesus… and our efforts to follow the examples of the Messiah.

This is a Christian thing, Let us keep it that way.

Emmanuel!

Holiday Blues

 

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Uman an iban di man ganahan nan Pasko? There are times when we remember the character The Grinch. But if we dig deeper, there are indeed reasons why some get sad during the holidays.

According to Winchester Hospital, the reason behind the claim that depression rates and suicides rise during the holidays is that holiday cheer amplifies loneliness and hopelessness in people who have lost loved ones, or who have high expectations of renewed happiness during the holiday season, only to be disappointed.

Indeed, there are some who expect a lot during the season when everybody is expected to be merry.

The American Psychological Association reported that 44% of women and 33% of men surveyed feel stressed during the holidays. The holiday blues strike people experiencing the forced joyfulness and expectations of the season.

The reasons for holiday blues vary by individual. According to clinical psychologist Michelle Paul, triggers include "memories of lost loved ones, and with that, a sense of yearning or aching to be with them," along with "too high or unrealistic expectations for what things 'should' or 'must' be."

We then go back to understanding ourselves. It has been mentioned most of the time that we are the ones who can “allow” emotions to rule over us. We can write the sadness down and start counting our blessings. If we cannot help it, we might seek professional help.

Christmas and New Year’s Eve often present challenging demands, from never-ending parties to family obligations. These events can come with higher levels of stress.

If you’re dealing with feelings of stress or depression, know that you aren’t alone. There are ways to manage your symptoms and get the help you need.

Look for your friends and be with them. Mangatawa ta anay!