Allow Us To Choose

 

Bolok kibali an di kun parehas sa imo kandidato? What is the gauge of intelligence? How to measure someone else’s mental competence? Is it through your biased criteria, or something more?

People seem to regain their power when the elections come. Much is true that the individual has the power to choose his/her own leader but it is another story when you discredit others with their own power to choose.

Why is it that “normal” people seem to have their own opinions and judgments this time? Before, you cannot hear them have their opinions on world peace, climate change and the evils of using plastic. But around this time, they even make enemies due to their convictions to vote for someone. It is as if the world must be aligned to their choice forgetting that each person has the freedom to choose.

People are choosing candidate to whom they can “relate” and who is popular and well-groomed in social media. A lot even believe the thwarted stories presented on online platforms.

Social media-borne misinformation threatens to sow further division in Philippine society and politics. As such, the 2022 elections will be a tough fight for each candidate. The right balance of outrage, virality, misinformation, and trolling might be enough to tip the scales in any candidate’s favor as only a bare plurality is required to win the presidency (Quitzon, 2021).

It is also on these sites where one can see “word war” against each other based on their chosen candidates. They even resort to name-calling and stereotyping which are things to be alarmed for. You see, these are psychological constructs which can have some causes to be considered for mental health issues.

There must be an understanding between people that if one is free to choose your candidate, it is true to all. Others’ choices might not conform with yours but that is the way they perform their freedom to choose. These are based on their value system and the way they perceive on the candidates’ capacity and political platforms.

Yes, you are free to express yourself, but your freedom must be aligned with the universal values. When you perform name-calling, check on your intentions. You might have a personality disorder.

If one will just have to accept the fact that there are individual things to do in the future, we can be empowered persons who work on the things that we can control. What would you do after May 9? You might be busy burning bridges today it will be difficult to move forward next time.

Meaningful things are within your reach. Nurture relationships. Build rather than destroy.

 

Too Much Noise

Kahamok na reklamo! Ever encountered people who complain a lot? These are annoying ones. Basically, there is something deeper than their complaints. Those who are exasperated with everything are unhappy. Those who complain about their work instead of appreciating it are probably incompetent.

Complaining creates a number of dysfunctional side effects: It creates factions, prevents or delays — because it replaces — productive engagement, reinforces and strengthens dissatisfaction, riles up others, breaks trust, and, potentially, makes the complainer appear negative. We become the cancer we’re complaining about; the negative influence that seeps into the culture (Bregman, 2018).

People want to be comfortable all the time. They cannot imagine sacrificing, or extending a mile, since they seem to gravitate on the things that they can get, not the ones that they can give. There are also those who cannot go out of the SELF and become weary when they proceed to serving others.

According to Harvard Business Review, chronic complainers in the workplace are toxic not only to themselves but also to the people around them.  A habit often formed in childhood, it arises from a need for validation and attention and over time can alter the neural pathways in the brain and become a part of the personality, which makes it hard to deal with.

It is sometimes disturbing to notice that these types willingly receive benefits and bonuses and yet would go on complaining. There are also those who can be incompetent yet their murmurs are more loud than their accomplishments. Indeed, childhood affirmation must be felt since it will become a strong cause of insecurity in adulthood.

According to new a research published in the European Journal of Work & Organizational Psychology, while venting and complaining about something or someone may give you that temporary relief, dwelling on its negative energy actually makes you feel worse. More specifically, if you find yourself engaging in the complaints and criticisms, this mindset will cement that negative event in your head, severely affecting your ability to focus, work and be productive.

There is a need to air-out things which are beyond the boundaries. We can cry out FOUL on injustice and morally-thwarted issues and things. But to make complaining as part of one’s system is another story.

Pilay pusta, di lagi kun abtik jaon hamok na satsat!

Uncontrolled

 

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Umay sikaging-ging mo? Ya man kaw siguro unha? One of the most offensive things to happen in one’s life is when others muddle on their personal lives. This will lead to contempt and relationships will be broken once others come in to the private lives of others uninvited.

Minding one’s business, at its heart, is focusing on what the person can control and letting go of what he/she can’t. It is taking responsibility for one’s own thoughts and actions, and letting other people take responsibility for their own thoughts and actions. So often people try to control other people, control the world around them, and basically control everything and everyone but themselves. Ironically, the only thing a person CAN control is their own self (Philipson, 2021).

Being judgmental is a destructive approach that keeps a person’s mind in a gloomy state all the time. These people constantly think about the things that are not their concern.  All human beings are free to live and nobody has given others the mandate to perceive things according to their mentality.

It has been constantly mentioned that we can live better once we focus on our sphere of influence rather than things that we cannot control. And our individual lives are the ones that we can focus in to. The lives of others cannot be changed by us since it’s the persons’ choice to do so, not ours. Yes, we can give friendly advices but that is all that we can do. The actions will be done by them.

Prevost (2012) mentioned that control freaks rarely know that they are one. They believe that they are helping people with their "constructive criticism" or taking over a project because "no one else will do it right." They don't see their controlling behaviors as symptoms of what's really going on their own anxiety has run amok.

Most control freaks believe they know what is best for everyone and they try to convince other people to do things differently. Whether they lecture, become aggressive, or manipulate things behind the scenes, they want to make other people act a certain way.

But they do not realize, it is their own lives they CANNOT control.

Ergo, face a full-length mirror and look for the things that you need to control on and within yourself. Others’ lives are their responsibilities. Yes, you are your brother’s keeper. But to be an effective consultant, you need to iron-out everything in your life first.

Sika-hilabot mo dakan.

See Yourself, Not Others

 

Way taghimo, aja da masipanhilabot. There is a current trend of sloth which is happening around. This mainly focuses on people who are making themselves become Peeping Toms on social media. Some call them Facebook Police. But whatever the terminologies may be, they are simply targeting for pure GOSSIP. They fish information out from the lives of others and most of the time find the gaps on the lives of others for them to gloat.

For those who are unaware, a peeping Tom is a title used to refer to someone who gains pleasure from watching someone else. The term is another way of saying a voyeur, which Merriam-Webster defines as a “prying observer” who gains stimulation and/or pleasure from watching others.

Seeing is pleasure — especially from a distance. There is something alluring about watching Snapchat or Instagram stories, viral video clips and even reality television. We reap the benefits of having our senses stimulated by human life but hold no personal investment in what we are watching. Oftentimes we do it to escape the boredom or discomfort of a situation. From afar, we indulge in the lives of others and measure ourselves up to one another in the process (Sontag, 2016).

Most of the time, these persons are NOT really busy. They just seem busy doing something. But they are actually not productive. They spend so much time scrolling social media sites and prying into the lives of others forgetting that they have their own lives to consider.

Why do we snoop on others on social media? Scientists have a lot of theories. One is related to voyeurism in general: snooping gives us power. According to a 2014 study on being a voyeur on social media, checking out someone's feed allows the lurker to "learn from others by watching them," without "giv[ing] anything out in return," upsetting the balance of power.

Power. There are those who hunger for it. There are those who feel powerful when they can see mistakes of others displayed on these sites. Some even redeem their feigned power over others by simply posting comments to say: I am still powerful. Yes, there are many who are still do not understand their SICK side.

How much power do you want? Is it not enough to have power over your OWN life? For a start, use your power by making yourself productive. Do something! Create.

Make yourself beautiful! Nagkayaot na kaw lamang! Take time to bathe!

The Unleashing of Marites

 

Mare, umay latest? Thus, the birth of Marites. Gossip was there since time immemorial. Asking for information is a need to survive, to be prepared and to make mindsets. But when information is dug for a malicious intent like gloating on one’s misfortunes can be unhealthy. It will oftentimes segue to something evil.

A 1993 observational study found that male participants spent 55% of conversation time and female participants spent 67% conversation time on “the discussion of socially relevant topics.” Thus, this writer cannot be accused of being sexist since the “Karen” phenomenon also happened in the US. Marites can be the Philippine version of those difficult women who can be profiled as envious and have poor security issues like that of the Caucasian Karen who is racist and entitled.

Marion Underwood (2003) has found that for children, being victimized by social aggression (including gossip) is associated with poor self-concept, especially for girls. Other studies show that victimization is associated with loneliness, depression and anxiety.

With the introduction of social media to our lives, peering to others’ lives is accessible. Those with poor self-concept will have escalations of insecurities when they see their friends’ pictures enjoying their moments. This was carefully studied which later become the theorized FOMO (fear of missing out). To bounce back, the insecurities will allow the person to find faults on others. This is the defense mechanism by making others “smaller” than them. Gossiping, making fun and criticizing the work of others become the meals for survival of the skewed.

"Generally, it's a form of diversion. Instead of facing pressing personal matters in their personal lives that they need to focus, they'd rather concern themselves with the lives of others, which they somehow feel like they're entitled to have an opinion about," Joseph Marquez, a clinical psychologist told Ara Eugenio in her article Marites Nation (2021).

Still, these people must be aware about their contribution to the circle that they belong. Are they agents of cohesion or destruction? Indeed, the thrust to reflect and focus on personal issues and improvement should be prioritized rather than find faults and failures of others. Those who aim for SELF-ACTUALIZATION need to concentrate on the improvement of the self than finding faults and gloat on others’ mistakes.

If Marites persists, we can also play the game, right? Pwede man sab nato sila gisahon sa ila kaugalingon na mantika, amo? Let us find their feared/denied flaws. Instead of gossiping about it, we can tell their inadequacies in front of them.

Being frank is not gossip!

All-Knowing

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Kun bright kaw hampan ako dili, pero imo baro yay plantsa! People find flaws based on their feigned standards. Not realizing that their criteria of being “perfect” are different from others. You see, some are critical on others’ grammar use but their skin is not moisturized. The former can be laughable for a set of people yet the latter can also cause the feeling of chagrin from others. We have different strengths and weaknesses. We need to co-exist.

J. Strelau mentioned that people develop their unique traits/characteristics and patterns of behavior due to their genetic makeup and the environment in which they are brought up. Individual differences occur due to interaction of genetic and environmental factors. We inherit certain characteristics from our parents through genetic codes. Also, the environment is responsible as how we are reared, the kind of atmosphere at house, whether it is liberal or strict, the type of education that we get, what we learn from people, around us, books, cultural practices, peers, teachers and media.

Therefore, the way we think differs. The way you spend your life is different from others. Your ways might be ideal but others do not think the way you do. It is just unsettling to realize that there are people in the society who like the concept of prescribing the “right ways” to others not realizing that their own ways are NOT aligned with what the individuals prefer.

Keith Webb aptly says it: If people were machines, then we could just tell them what to do, and they’d do it. Machines are limited. People are much more capable, creative, and intelligent. When we’re trying to get people to follow our directions, we see their intelligence as a problem. One of my old bosses used to say, “I’m not paying you to think. I’m paying you to do what I tell you to do.”

That’s why we focus on how to improve ourselves (our circle of influence and control). If we are already mentally-capable since we can now understand the concept of interstellar Physics, we can focus on the dirt on our backyards – the literal ones. We might be very efficient with managing our resources but our clothes might need some mending. We may be rich but we might be morally poor.

A lack of information is rarely the problem. So, telling people what to do won’t help.

Loud and Proud

 

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Arang dajon kahamok mahisulti! We sometimes wonder what is the source of confidence of the people we once knew who are now feigning a sense of entitlement and power over us. These persons seem to have found a cure to societal ills that they often air their opinions even if these are unfounded and can be the nightmare of researchers.

Yes, we are all have the freedom to express ourselves since we live in a democratic society. But freedom has moral judgment as the foundation. There are times when all we have to do is absorb everything and weigh things out. The outbursts that we do can sometimes be a gauge of how we have applied our education. The will to stay “cool” is a testament of one’s effort to act civilized.

If you are a reactive person, according to vocabulary.com, you're always ready to react but not to act on your own. You're rather lifeless unless something or someone else causes you to do act.

That is the reason why these persons are loud. They have this defense mechanism of raising their voices or become angry when something is introduced to them which will shatter their immobility. You see, the opposite of creativity is the resistance to do something.

Brandt (2018) mentioned: When you’re reactive, your feelings depend on external events outside your influence or control. Whether you have a good or bad day depends entirely on what happens to you and around you. The weather, what your boss says about your presentation, what mood your partner is in when you get home, how your favorite team played: All these outside things control your emotions; you don’t. And when your actions are based on your feelings — which they usually are — you’re in dangerous reactive behavior territory. Everything you do is someone else’s fault. You’re not in control of your life.

But these persons exist. We cannot erase them from our ecology since they are the products of their environment and the way they were raised. If they are adults and won’t allow dynamic changes to happen “in” them, we cannot do anything since it is their choice.

But when they will go overboard, we sometimes have to unleash our defenses and punch their insensibilities to their faces. If they have the right to air themselves out, we have the same rights like them.

Yet, we need NOT BE LIKE THEM.