Personal Ethics

 

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Pagpaigo nan imo!

You see me differently. You dislike the way I think, the way I talk and the manner that I work. But, why does it bother you? You can focus on your own manners and the way you think. Stop fidgeting on how I see the world. I respect your version of it. Do not be bothered with my convictions and my belief system. I am me.

There are things that you like that I don’t. But did you hear me complain about them? Feel free to do them. But do not tell me NOT to react when your deeds are already against my moral beliefs and they are beyond the line of adhering to the greater good. You are free to BE. And, I am me.

If I read and you listen to gossips, let me be. But I won’t let you harm people. I will cry foul when you use yourself to be a destroyer rather than a builder. My profession is teaching and I need to correct misconceptions based on the collective thoughts I acquired from being an academic. You might have a master’s degree on your craft, but I based my reactions on scientific theories and research. I will allow you to enjoy badmouthing people. Just don’t let me hear them. I can scold you. You are yourself and I am me.

Respect my religious convictions. What is wrong with saying the rosary? You claim to be a better believer, but what’s the gauge? Allow me to pay tribute to the sacramental and I can allow you to broadcast your God. Just do not criticize what I do. I understand what I’m doing. Do you? Let me be.

What is wrong with defending and befriending the marginalized people? You have your friends. Did I give a critique about their lifestyle and yours? Let me have mine. They might be imperfect and NOT rich but at least they understand the beauty of simplicity and humility. Spare me with the pretense and social-climbing. You are different from me.

Why am I not ambitious? I am. But my ambition might be different from yours. I am more into understanding myself avoiding the lures of the world and material stuff. You might measure success with money, fame and power. I see self-actualization as my direction. I will allow you to feed on your hunger. Let me be.

The world is better when we see the sunrise and sunset as the metaphors of our lives. Let me savor the life I borrowed from my creator the way I like it. Do not judge me, I am just doing the things which I like trying not to hurt others by doing my best to be of help.

Live your life. I will with mine.

 

Happy Go Lucky

 

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Gusto ko pirme bibo, kalian kun aya. Dapat malingaw ako pirme! We hear these statements most of the time. In fact, there are instances that these are our own words. But have we realized lately that in reality that is impossible? There are really instances when we have to accept the fact that life is boring and dependent on the concepts of our definitions of what is enjoying and boring.

The world renowned author M. Scott Peck mentioned: Life is difficult. This is a great truth, one of the greatest truths. It is a great truth because once we truly see this truth, we transcend it. Once we truly know that life is difficult-once we truly understand and accept it-then life is no longer difficult. Because once it is accepted, the fact that life is difficult no longer matters.

A research team led by psychological scientist John Eastwood of York University in Ontario, Canada, define boredom as "an aversive state of wanting, but being unable, to engage in satisfying activity," which springs from failures in one of the brain's attention networks.

And what are satisfying activities? The answer depends on the inclinations and activities the person likes. Reading can be enjoying and satisfying to some but it can be boring to others. This is the reason why others “click” as friends since they share similar interests. Binge drinking and consuming drugs can be enjoying to some that is why they call themselves as “barkada”. They share similar inclinations to vices.

But is it normal to continue looking for fun? Or is there some sort of a “skip” or deficit among such people? The concept presented by Peck that acceptance of life as difficult (and boring for that matter) allows the person to transcend is a start. This is probably the proper time for the person to find meaningful activities. When he sees the activity with some meaning on it, he will start understanding that he must not just enjoy it. He has to do it.

Self-actualization (also referred to as self-realization or self-cultivation) can be described as the complete realization of one’s potential as manifest in peak experiences which involve the full development of one’s abilities and appreciation for life (Maslow, 1962).

The attainment of self-actualization involves one’s full involvement in life and the realization of that which one is capable of accomplishing.

Carl Rogers believed that for a person to achieve self-actualization they must be in a state of congruence. This means that self-actualization occurs when a person’s “ideal self” (i.e., who they would like to be) is congruent with their actual behavior (self-image).

With these proven theories, it is really a must for individuals to monitor the SELF. The actual recording of his/her thoughts is a valid activity to reflect on one’s journey. It was even presented in the Christian faith: Jesus spent around forty days to be with himself and reflect. He was even tempted with material and worldly things but was able to say NO to them.

How much happiness is welcome before it starts to seem out-of-touch, willfully naive, even a compulsive defense against reality?

Yes, it’s OK to look for fun some time. But when one looks for it ALL THE TIME, something is wrong. Probably, the person was not able to develop the ability to find meaning with his/her existence.

Let us not be bound by our own emotions. Let us be the one to control them… not the other way around.

Bite Back!

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Manggamit nan tawo para sa ila kaugalingon na mga intensyon! Take it, there are really people whom you think as friends but you later realize that they are ONLY befriending you for their selfish interests. By the time that you are not useful to them, they are nowhere in sight looking for other people to be used as their “stepping stones” to fill their deficits.

People who use others use their ability of manipulation while playing with their victims. They use others by showing their magical, attractive personality and by doing sweet talks with others such as by admiring or showing support for that make them trustworthy in front of others.

Those who use others’ works by damaging their self-esteem such as passing negative personal remarks about others, sometimes rely on sarcasm or irony so that others feel inferior about themselves that they are not equal or lesser in front of them (optimisticminds.com).

While listening to the persons you consider as friends, try to LISTEN deeper on the things that they are saying. If they are fond of criticizing others to the point of discrediting them of their innate goodness, these so-called friends are dangerous. They will also DO THE SAME to you once they will be with other people. Their agenda is to feed on their needs and they are not concerned about your well-being.

It's no wonder why self-centeredness is typically viewed as the most unappealing personality trait in a potential friend. Most of us struggle to maintain a sense of compassion and understanding toward others. Self-centered people, on the other hand, don’t bother to take the time to understand another person’s point-of-view or feelings (Vasquez, 2017).

Self-centered people are not easy to spot; they are capable of being personable and kind upon meeting new people. Those who are self-centered know they are, on some level, and are usually aware of how unappealing the quality is. But there are tell-tale signs once you look at the situations carefully. Most of the time, your opinions don’t matter. These people push their selfish intentions disrespecting your own stands on issues and even your personal convictions.

If there is a person in your life who seems exceedingly self-centered, he or she may suffer from narcissistic personality disorder. According to Dr. Dan Neuharth, “People with narcissistic personality disorder lack a healthy emotional core. They are driven by a moment-to-moment monitoring of their worth. Since they find it difficult to provide self-worth, they seek it from external sources.”

There is a movement these days on SELF-LOVE. It is timely to push these people away from our environment. If they are superiors or people whom your job depends on, let them wallow on their psychological illness. But once they bite you, bite back. Life is short to play victim. Just do this in a cultured manner where your values are intact.

Stay true to yourself and don’t ever partake in behavior that is beneath you. It will inevitably become very difficult to be kind to a self-centered person who is unkind to you, but you can alleviate any feelings of anger by focusing on the person you are and continuing to like that person. It’s also important to be realistic and understand that the self-centered person will never consider your needs. The self-centered person can have moments of generosity and charm, but for the most part, they are unaware of your needs and uninterested in meeting them.

“Individuals with this disorder rarely think they have a problem until they are on the verge of losing everything. Even then, their primary focus may be to maintain their veneer rather than to get to the root of their problem,” Neuharth said.

Let us be happy with ourselves even if we do not have a lot of friends. Let us hold on to the REAL ones so that we thrive with them in harmony. The world would be better if it is full of peaceful and fulfilled individuals. Do not be afraid to lose people who will just USE you.

Be afraid of losing yourself.

 

 

Maturing

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Masinahon, ugsa hilabtonon! People who are envious often pull others down. Voluntarily or involuntarily, they do it so that their insecurities will be nursed. For them, talking about the failures of others will make them a bit “at ease” with their current status.

Envy is an emotion that occurs when one person wants something another person has, whether that thing is a material possession or perceived success or stature. Notable for its status as one of the seven deadly sins, envy has been studied extensively in the fields of philosophy and psychology, among others.

According to goodtherapy.org, envy develops when individuals compare themselves to others and find themselves to be inferior. This process is a natural one, although comparing the self with others may lead to the development of envy and other emotions that can cause pain.

Envy results from internal factors rather than external ones. Individuals may be more likely to experience envy if they have lower self-esteem or believe that they are lacking in some way, regardless of what they actually possess. That is the main reason why self-confidence must be developed among young people so that they will grow up to be at ease with their own strengths and confront their weaknesses in a positive manner.

There is a pressing concern about mental health which leads to self-destruction. Others equate such to depression not realizing that there are other alarming mental disorders that one must consider. When does envy becomes abnormal? This is when people see themselves less recognized than others and they do “anything” to be at par with their source of envy…or even beyond.

People with excessive recognition hunger are so worried about their own egos, that they are callous when it comes to caring about others. They want praise aimed at themselves; they are self-centered and self-serving. They will step on anyone and do almost anything in order to advance themselves and gain more recognition (Angel, 2019).

A healthy mindset of an adult aims to proceed to the highest meaning of his/her existence: to serve others. If the person continues to feed on the inadequacies of the SELF, there is a big tendency that the “adulting” process is being hampered by some psychological skews. The actions are often geared towards looking for the mistakes of others so to feign security. This is the main reason why the immature adult will then perform character assassinations to others he/she is threatened of. And that could be very unhealthy.

It is precisely the psychologically strong people who are best able to care for others. Only the most secure people can give generous compliments. Only those who receive admiration, respect and love can properly convey admiration, respect and love for others. Those who stab others at the back are the weaklings, the ones who are prone to abnormal actions to feed their insecurities.

Our tendency to constantly compare often leads to envy. These feelings can make us forget or downplay our own good experiences or draw our focus to the bad things that have happened to us in the face of other people’s happiness. People tend to think more negatively about the future after hearing someone else's good news, using a kind “defensive pessimism” to protect themselves from disappointment.

Grow up. That is not just on the physical aspect but on the psychological side as well. If we had fewer opportunities during our childhood which might be the cause of such insecurities, the world is full of them at present. Do not compare yourself to others you might get sick. Too sick you will probably do things which are universally-incorrect.

When our envy is rooted in things we cannot change about ourselves, such as a difficult childhood, a traumatic event, or certain health conditions and disabilities, using envy to motivate self-improvement is more likely to dig us deeper into frustration and self-blame (Breines, 2013).

Cultivate your own garden. Uproot the weeds and plant seeds of goodness. Utilize the time by doing something within your control and capability. You will see later that the garden will be full of flowering plants and promising buds. Take your time by doing what you can do for others to marvel in the near future with appreciation to what you have achieved.

Be contented. This is one way to be happy.

Rule!

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Mapatay ako kun ya sija! We hear these words from songs: I can’t live without you. The line “you complete me” became a mantra when Tom Cruise professed to her lover in Jerry Maguire. In fact up to the present, a lot of people “allow” others to control their own happiness. Their emotions are dependent to their “significant others.”

Emotional support is one of the big benefits of having relationships. When you face life challenges or stress, your loved ones can offer empathy and comfort by listening to your troubles and validating your feelings. But it will become another story when you are emotionally-dependent.

Emotional dependency, according to Dr. Margaret Paul is when a person believes they need another person to survive, to be happy, or to feel complete. Love is easily confused with emotional dependency because they both usually come with intense feelings around another person. But in an emotionally dependent relationship, people feel they're "in love" when really they're "in need." Emotionally dependent people need constant attention, approval, and support from their partner⁠—because they are not giving it to themselves.

The literature on relational dependency in adults emphasizes that it’s vital your partner be able to offer you emotional support when it’s needed. But once we substitute the word dependency for support, we’re looking at something quite different.

The psychological consequences of emotional dependence are diverse and the effect varies depending on the degree of dependency and the characteristics of an individual. In many cases, these emotionally dependent people seek out people with a dominant, possessive, and authoritarian character, consequently nurturing a toxic relationship of domination (topodoctors.co.uk).

Emotional dominance can be felt by the “other” person in the relationship as well. They will feel drained of having emotional vampires around. Conflicts then arise as selfishness escalates.

The question remains: why do people become dependent of their feelings to others? Why do they allow others to take away their peace? Is love, equated to being emotionally generous to the other or a liberating feeling of having someone independent of his/her identity?

One of the most common causes of emotional dependence is a parent influencing it or watching a parent who struggles with it as well. Another common cause is trauma, where someone heavily controlled the person or hurt by their actions. Having difficulty in being emotionally independent can arise for no apparent reason, as well (Delvin, 2021).

In the real world, there are also those who DO NOT rely on others to have their individual happiness and well-being. They are the emotionally-independent ones.

Emotional independence is a type of inner resilience that lets you know you can meet, solve, and be with any circumstance you face. It means building your sense of self on your own, without depending on others to make you happy or tell you who you should be (Cohen, 2019).

Accepting ourselves and changing unhelpful perceptions and behaviors allows us to find the strength we need to create a personalized sense of inner calm. It empowers us to see ourselves as separate from others and declare independence from circumstances that might once have dictated our moods, behaviors, and ideas about ourselves.

People who are not emotionally independent have a great fear of being rejected, ignored, not liked, or being criticized. The way they view themselves is typically not positive, and they usually have very low self-esteem. Their self-image is very weak, and they don't think they are worth anything without the person they are emotionally dependent on. They are very negative towards themselves and will change what they say, do, wear, or even believe in feeling more accepted by their partner. They feel like they can't live without their partner and that if they left, they would be worthless (Delvin, 2021).

Let us be ourselves. Let us not allow others to dictate or manipulate our peace of mind and happiness. As long as we adhere to the universal values and the greater good, we can be independent with such binding feelings.

Better, let us rule over our emotions, not that they will be the ones to rule over us.

 

 

 

Kibitzer

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Uman hilabtonon man sija? This thought often comes to mind as you notice that there are persons who ENJOY minding others’ business. As observant as we can be, it often dawn on us that their “businesses” are more foul and vile as those they gloat on.

Some theories from a multitude of literature are published. One is this: People don’t mind their own business because they honestly don’t know what else to do with their time. They are so bored with themselves and their lives that they’re looking for ways to bring some excitement and exhilaration into theirs. And unfortunately for those around them, interfering in the life and affairs of others helps them forget how bored they truly are (Saviuc, 2018).

This could be alarming since people who do not know how to manage their resources (like time) will lead to become unsuccessful ones. Management of the things in the mind is also another thing to consider hence, the alarming rate of people who are edging towards mental illness is escalating. There is really a need for the individual to check and revisit the things s/he is doing to be able to monitor personal well-being. One effective thing to do is list down what one feels and evaluates them.

Paul (2019) said: People who don’t mind their own business are people who don’t believe in the concept that everybody is allowed to make their own choices and that the way they choose to live their life is by no means affecting anyone’s life. Every choice has a consequence and all individuals have to face them on a personal or private level.

People often have hidden insecurities. They think that they need to do something or say something so that they feel significant and find themselves worthy to be praised. They constantly complain that things are not good enough or according to their set standards.

People who intrude without due cause or permission are interlopers. If the purpose of the intrusion was to deliberately interfere, then they could also be called kibitzers. Kibitzer" is usually applied to a person who watches other people playing a game (usually cards, but could be chess, etc.) and offers unwanted advice. It's distracting and annoying, but a kibitzer would generally not interrupt the actual game.

There is a need for us to mind our own business. Let us monitor our own growth and accumulate good things for the greater good. Nothing beats a person who can improve one’s self to become an instrument of change for the betterment of the ecology s/he belongs.

We learn by doing, trying, and facing the consequences of our own actions. When you meddle in other people’s business, you are involving yourself in a situation where the outcome doesn’t fall on you. If you don’t have to face the consequences of your advice, how can you ever know if it was good or not? How can you ever realize what you may have gotten wrong? Minding your own business is the best way to grow in ways that will actually benefit you, because the lessons you learn will come from real-life application (Hadeed, 2020).

Personal growth is a continuous process. You will have to develop a daily habit to learn new things. Your learning experiences and learning desires are important to ensure an optimal result. Personal development is an effort to improve your skill and thought as well as to make your struggles easier with a better understanding.

Personal improvement, according to Petrie (2018) cannot be achieved in a single day. You will have to make the process gradual by enriching your thoughts. It is possible when you will try to come out of your comfort zone. There are many ways to ensure your growth. You can use social media, attend conferences and listen to podcasts to know more about your profession, business or personal growth.

Let others do their things. Keep busy. Aim for self-growth. MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS!

 

 

 

They Belittle

 

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Hilom pero layom! Makalaong kaw na bootan ambaja… There are those people who seem to fade on the background. These are the quiet ones when in a gathering. They seem to be contented being the wallflowers but when they are by their group, they are like bombs exploding with criticisms and gossips.

Some researchers argue that gossip helped our ancestors survive. Evolutionary psychologist Robin Dunbar first pioneered this idea, comparing gossip to the grooming primates engage in as a means of bonding. Instead of picking fleas and dirt off one another to bond, Ludden explains, we now talk, which is “where gossip comes in, because chit-chat is mostly talking about other people and conveying social information.”

But what about those people who are feeding on malicious gossip? Is it a result of poor mental or intellectual capacity? Or they are natural born back-stabbers…

The Collins dictionary defines malicious gossip this way: If you describe someone's words or actions as malicious, you mean that they are intended to harm people or their reputation, or cause them embarrassment and upset.

The journal Social Psychological and Personality Science found that the typical person spends about 52 minutes per day gossiping. Mark Leary, PhD, a professor of psychology and neuroscience at Duke University who specializes in social and personal psychology, explains it this way: Gossiping is a fundamental human instinct because our lives are deeply rooted in groups. We not only live in groups, but we also depend on the people in our groups to survive.

But for those whose intentions are vile, Ahad (2015) mentioned, one of the reasons why gossiping is bad is because it can ruin the other person’s reputation. No one is born evil; we are good people on the inside so everyone should be given the benefit of the doubt. However, if you’re one to maliciously spread rumors about someone, it can really fog their reputation thus affecting them when trying to meet new people or land a new job.

Spreading gossip can offend people and rightfully so. As a result, you can be confronted about your bad habit. Not only is this embarrassing and awkward for you, but you usually will end up looking like the bad person for spreading gossip or rumors.

For us, we eject these people from our ecology. They do not allow us to grow but hamper our being and becoming. These people will become hurdles to our success since they always put us down. They are not motivators since they enjoy putting more darkness in to our life. We embrace the light by pushing them out of our paths.

They are like that because they take their confidence from hurting others. Their only way to feel superior is to spread vile rumors. Actually, this is a manifestation of inferiority. They do not have the courage to speak their thoughts up front since they know who they are. They will then bloat their egos when the source of their inferiority is not around. They gossip.

Don’t associate with people who find such great joy in belittling others. Be very careful about what you choose to tell these people. They might be gossiping about you soon. Remember, they LIKE belittling others and that doesn’t exclude you.

We continue to better ourselves. We improve and gain what we deserve. We acquire more knowledge and use them well. The envious ones will have MORE to gossip about. They will eventually spend more time with this task and forget about their own well-being. They will be left behind.

Let us give them OUR efforts and simple successes. These things are their sources of malicious efforts to bring us down. Eventually, since we will be having more and them less, the rest of their lives will be spent looking for the loopholes of others’ success.